Puzzling, thin plot plagues ‘The Transporter’

In theaters

THE TRANSPORTER. Directed by Corey Yuen, written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen, 92 minutes, rated PG-13.

In “The Transporter,” Hong Kong director Corey Yuen’s frenetic exercise in Eurotrash gone berserk, Britain’s Jason Statham is Frank Martin, a man so consumed by adhering to three simple rules, it only makes sense that he eventually breaks them.

As a transporter of illegal packages to all sorts of unseemly types slumming throughout the south of France, Frank is a grim bloke – former military – whose rules go like this: First rule, never change the deal; second rule, no names; third rule, never look in the package. Follow those rules and life as a transporter will allegedly be a breeze.

The Category 5 hurricane that eventually blows in occurs when Frank is hired to transport a duffel bag to a crude American named Wall Street (Matt Schulze).

Initially, Frank doesn’t know what’s inside the bag. But when he opens the trunk of his BMW and sees the bag move, he checks its contents, finds a beautiful young Chinese woman named Lai (Qi Shu) bound and gagged within, and then gets caught up in a plot that involves Lai trying to prevent her father, the evil Mr. Kwai (Ric Young), from selling boatloads of slaves on the open market.

The film, from a script by French director Luc Besson (“The Professional,” “The Fifth Element,” “La Femme Nikita”), is as lively and as fun as it is unapologetically dumb and absurd. Those seeking only creatively choreographed gunfights, fistfights and well-conceived pyrotechnics won’t be disappointed, but those hoping for a shred of logic to bolster the thin plot will likely be left puzzled.

Statham, the co-star of Guy Ritchie’s “Snatch” and “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,” has the action hero’s necessary bald pate, pumped-up physique and a perpetual 5 o’clock shadow that looks as if it could scrape the metal off a gun, but unlike Bruce Willis, the man he most resembles, he doesn’t have a shred of humor or a personality.

He’s smaller than he looks – so are Stallone and Van Damme, for that matter – but he holds the screen like a giant, a quality that will likely give Vin Diesel a run for his money as the new breed of action heroes take root and rise up in Hollywood.

Qi Shu, the Taiwan-born actress, was only brought in to be roughed-up and scream, which she does with piercing success. But it’s Ric Young who adds to the film’s underlying element of horror. Maybe it’s just me, but the man’s face seems to have been pulled so tightly that it looks like a mask, China’s version of “Halloween’s” Michael Myers, and throughout the movie, I couldn’t help thinking that it’s he who is the film’s most arresting special effect.

Grade: B-

On video and DVD

LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT. Directed by Stephen Herek, written by John Scott Shepherd and Dana Stevens, 104 minutes, rated PG-13.

Stephen Herek’s “Life or Something Like It” follows a tumultuous week in the life of Lanie Kerrigan, a Seattle-based TV news reporter whose identity is defined by her enormous platinum-blond blowout and an interview style that suggests more Brenda Starr than Greta Van Susteren.

That these qualities bring her national fame makes perfect sense in today’s culture of airheads filling up the airwaves. But are they enough to bring Lanie happiness? And should any of us really care whether they do?

The film stars Angelina Jolie as Lanie, which means that in the course of a year, the Academy Award-winning actress has gone from being a mail-order tramp in “Original Sin” to a local television news personality whose hair is a sin.

Some will question whether there’s a difference.

In the film, Lanie’s shallow life gets the jolt it needs when a homeless prophet named Prophet Jack (Tony Shalhoub) informs her during an interview that she has only a week to live. After dismissing the comment as trash, Lanie is forced to think otherwise when a series of Jack’s other predictions mysteriously come true.

Now convinced death is imminent, she takes a hard look at her empty life and doesn’t like what she sees. A romance with a down-to-earth cameraman played by Edward Burns goes a long way in getting Lanie back on track before fate intervenes and does its thing.

Curiously, the film isn’t as bad as it sounds. It’s pure formula, for sure, but the chemistry between Jolie and Burns isn’t manufactured.

They have something on screen that transcends the material and reshapes it, turning the movie into a romantic comedy that wouldn’t have been nearly as watchable without them in it.

Grade: B-

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, Tuesdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5” and Thursdays on “NEWS CENTER at 5:30” on WLBZ 2 and WCSH 6. He can be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.