Dear Mom,Thanks to the money America’s pharmaceutical companies have left over from researching new drugs I finally got to meet the other woman of my dreams; Loni Anderson, the blond bombshell of the old TV comedy sitcom “WKRP in Cincinnati.” I met her in San Diego at my annual educational conference for family doctors – can you believe it? It makes hours of mind-numbing conference lectures about everything from inflammation to constipation all worthwhile.

Loni was at the conference’s exhibition hall courtesy of Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmceuticals, makers of Atrovent, to help raise awareness about the disease emphysema, and to autograph pictures for fawning doctors like me. Having met her I am now much more aware of emphysema, and also how svelte she is. Last year I only caught a glimpse of her leaving the building (she also looks svelte from the back). This year I planned my day around her appearance and my vigilance paid off. Because she actually spoke to me and signed a picture of herself for me, I now feel empowered to personally stamp out emphysema by writing more prescriptions for Atrovent (about $17 per inhaler).

These conferences are heavily supported by the pharmaceutical companies, as part of the estimated $13,000 per physician they spend annually marketing their medicines to doctors. At conventions such as this one the companies pull out the stops, treating us hardworking, deserving doctors to all kinds of freebie gifts and dinners designed to help the companies convince doctors to prescribe their particular drugs to patients. None of this works, of course, because we doctors are too pure to be swayed by cheap trinkets, but don’t tell anyone.

Loni was not the only famous personality here, although she was certainly the perkiest. Oprah Winfrey’s personal trainer was also here, signing free copies of his fitness book for doctors who stopped by the booth of some pharmaceutical company flogging some cholesterol drug (about $3 per pill, I am sure, because they all seem to cost at least that). I don’t remember which cholesterol drug it was because there are now so darn many it makes my head spin; perhaps if Loni had been there to help him I would have paid more attention.

One company seemed particularly interested in my well-being at this conference. Elan, which markets the hot, new sleeping pill Sonata (about $2.50 per pill) gave me a Sonata pillow case and a Sonata sleep mask so I could fall asleep with sweet Sonata dreams. But that was not all – if I stopped by their booth and talked to the charming Sonata representative about the wonders of Sonata, I could get a free golf lesson! As you know, my golf game gives me nightmares, and perhaps with the golf lesson, the pillow case, and the sleep mask I would have slept like a baby. But I bagged it all because if I had accepted that stuff I would have lost sleep feeling guilty.

Sitting around getting educated makes doctors pretty hungry, so the pharmaceutical companies pamper us with a lot of free meals. I was invited to 14 breakfasts and 11 dinners over four days. All were free, lavish, and courtesy of companies such as Merck (makers of Maxalt, a migraine medicine, at about $22 per pill) and GlaxoSmith Klein (makers of the Advair Diskus for asthma at $150 per inhaler). It was not all fun and strudels, though; at each meal there was usually some kind of lecture, always about a topic that involved a drug the sponsoring company happened to make. That is a coincidence, as is the fact that the speakers at these free meals always like the sponsoring company’s drug.

The best eating invitation was from Aventis Pharmaceuticals, which invited me to a “Sumptuous Dessert Buffet” and educational poster session about diabetes, a disease primarily caused by overeating. If the rich desserts raised your blood sugar too high you could take some of Aventis’ new diabetes drug Amaryl (about $1 per pill).

You may worry that spending money buying things for doctors adds to the cost of prescription drugs, but you shouldn’t, even though the average brand name drug costs about $70 per month in this country. The main reason drug prices are so high has nothing to do with the $4 billion pharmaceutical companies spend on marketing their drugs; the high prices are all due to the high cost of research. I am certain the money America’s most profitable industry spends on hiring people like Loni Anderson to educate me about Atrovent, buying me dinner, and giving me golf lessons, is left over after that research is all paid for. It is probably just extra loose cash that fell off the piles of research money left on the laboratory benches for the hard-working researchers.

Next year I am hoping there is enough left over to get Britney Spears to teach me about high blood pressure, because I am sure she could teach me a lot.

Love, your son, the doctor.

Erik Steele, D.O. is a physician in Bangor, an administrator at Eastern Maine Medical Center, and is on the staff of several hospital emergency rooms in the region.