The mother understands that even raising a question about the nature of charitable donations might make her seem ungrateful, especially around the holidays.

The fact is, she is extremely grateful that there are generous civic, charitable and business organizations out there that work so hard to make sure needy children like hers have something to unwrap on Christmas morning.

But after seeing the disappointment in her children’s eyes as they opened their donated gifts last Christmas, the mother of five wonders whether there isn’t a more meaningful and rewarding way to extend charity to others in need. A way that might make children like hers feel that Santa really did put some careful thought into what he left under the tree. A way to give poor parents a greater share in the joy that is in short supply throughout the rest of the year.

The woman explained that her husband was injured while working for a construction company and was laid off a month later. With a workers’ compensation claim still in limbo, the family has had no income for more than a year. She and her husband are homesteaders who raise all their own food, and home-school their children, ages 5 to 17. Desperate, they’ve been forced to sell their tractor, their farm animals, and everything else of value just to survive.

“You could say we’re totally wiped out,” the woman said.

That first Christmas, with no money to buy gifts for the children, the mother went to a local charitable organization in town and picked up a few presents that had already been wrapped and marked for boys and girls. On Christmas morning, her 4-year-old daughter opened her present to find a set of blocks meant for a younger child. The children received a videotaped movie they didn’t care to watch, an orange plastic hunting vest, two plastic horses, and clothes that didn’t fit any of them. The 9-year-old son got a Barbie doll by mistake.

“We told him that we must have tagged it wrong, of course, that it wasn’t meant for him,” the woman said. “The kids were puzzled. They looked at us and wondered why we or Santa would get them these things they didn’t care anything about. I felt like crying that Christmas morning, and I just didn’t want that to happen again.”

This year, the mother asked someone at the Kiwanis Club, which buys and distributes gifts to the area’s needy families, if she could accompany the volunteers when they went Christmas shopping. Since she knew her children’s interests, she told the club representative, she could make sure they each got a gift they’d truly appreciate. The man suggested at first that she could choose a few things of a prescribed value at a local department store and put them on layaway. He later changed his mind, however, explaining with regret that if he did it for her, he’d have to do it for all the families.

After hearing the same from other groups, the mother called individual area businesses and asked if they donated gifts on their own. About five of them agreed to her request. So this Christmas morning, instead of worrying about the inappropriate gifts her children might receive, the mother will get to wrap a snowboard for one son, knitting supplies for a daughter, a stethoscope for another daughter who wants to be a veterinarian, as well as a mortar and pestle and an herb book from a natural-foods store.

And while this Christmas is sure to be better for her children than the last, the woman wonders about other needy children in Maine whose donated gifts will seem like little more than afterthoughts. While there’s plenty of generosity to go around, she said, the way it’s distributed could be so much more rewarding.

“I know beggars can’t be choosers,” she said. “It feels terrible to have to count on someone else to help make Christmas special for my children. It’s so degrading. All I’m asking is that poor parents have a hand in choosing gifts they know will make their kids happy. Is that too much to ask?”

Rather than have volunteers shop for needy families and wrap their gifts, she asked, why can’t charitable organizations consider issuing vouchers or coupons that parents can redeem for themselves?

“In all other aspects, parents are urged to be involved in their children’s lives,” she said. “One of the great joys of Christmas for parents is buying gifts for their children and watching their expressions when they open them. But when you’re poor, you don’t get to choose.”

The woman said she has spoken to other needy families who feel the same way but who prefer not to say anything. She knows that looking a gift horse in the mouth might be considered an ungrateful gesture by some people.

“But that’s not the case at all,” she said. “I am very thankful to the groups who do so much to help people in need. All I’m saying is that I would much rather they give me a dollar that I can use to buy something my child will really like, rather than spend $100 on gifts for her that she would never touch. Like every parent, I just want to feel involved on Christmas morning.”