Many reasons to sing the Botox blues

I saw an ad for Botox in The New Yorker that was much funnier than any of the cartoons. It promised that a less than lethal dose of botulism would miraculously change my lined face into a sheet of plastic. But the list of side effects was long and scary, and I would rather not drool until I absolutely have to.

The woman in the ad looked so unnaturally frozen I wondered what formaldehyde would do for her. At least with formaldehyde she wouldn’t need injections every four months.

Who knew that the lines between the eyebrows are now socially unacceptable and in need of fixing?

The Federal Drug Association has approved Botox for cosmetic use, a fact none to reassuring now that new drugs are tested for three and a half weeks before being approved. Those federal agents freak out if I grow a few marijuana plants in the backyard but they don’t care if I shoot up with botulism.

The Chinese attack their wrinkles by vigorously rubbing their faces. This method is too labor intensive for Americans, too natural and worst of all, cannot be turned into profit.

With a Botox-stiffened face, I won’t be able to frown.

I can’t wait to see Donald Rumsfeld stripped of his frown. But can a smiley guy who looks like he has just left the Zen center really lead us into battle against Iraq? Rumsfeld may want to frown at the evil Saddam, but his face won’t let him.

A furrowed brow will soon be extinct. With Botox, older American women can all look alike. Marks of individuality and character will seem old fashioned and embarrassing, and within a generation, the phrase “crow’s feet” will refer only to the feet of crows.

Then “Botox” will sound as cheery as “Bosox.” Think of Georgia O’Keeffe’s face after three botox treatments. She could have looked just like Cher.

The only thing creepier than a Botox mask in place of your very own face is the fear of aging that drives women to change the way they look.

Margaret Cruikshank is a Maine resident. Her book, “Learning to Be Old: Gender, Culture and Aging,” recently was published by Rowman and Littlefield.