March 29, 2024
Column

Television on demand a leg-down

Soon, we won’t need our legs at all. Have you heard about VOD? That is video on demand and just happens to be the latest, greatest thing in the television market to take even more of our money and compel us to spend even more time on the couch. (What do people do who don’t have couches?)

Later this month, 7 million lucky residents of New York and Philadelphia will kick off a VOD program that is, in essence, a giant DVD player. Without leaving their nice, warm house, they will be able for a small fee to watch almost any movie at any time.

Don’t mistake this scientific breakthrough for pay TV, which offers a few movies at a specific time. Users can choose from a selection of new and classic movies at any time, and pause, fast-forward or rewind at will. No trips to get the movie and no trips to take it back, several days late.

The cable guys, of course, wax optimistic about the possibilities of VOD. A few soothsayers such as Steve Necessary, CEO of Atlanta-based Concurrent, which makes VOD servers, predict a day when “appointment television is truly a thing of the past.” In other words, they envision a distant future where we pay a dollar for each episode of “Beverly Hillbillies” and “Three’s Company.”

The program offers “television that obeys you.” According to the Yankee Group, by 2006, 37 million families will have access to VOD, generating $2.8 billion.

If television truly obeyed me, there would be no “shouting shows” in which four or six highly paid commentators try to make their political point by stating it louder than the person sitting across the desk. Game shows would be banished forever and ever, except for “Wheel of Fortune” because we must see Vanna White every day, if only for a moment.

“Millionaire” would cease and desist at once. Bryant Gumbel would never be allowed on the screen again, but Lesley Stahl would be granted carte blanche. There would be a Civil War channel, 24 hours a day. There would be a separate channel for the Pacific campaign of World War II. I don’t know why but I try to watch one island invasion every day. Perhaps I am just so glad that I am not there, climbing Mount Suribachi.

Tony Kornheiser would get his own channel and “Pardon the Interruption” would go on for hours. There would be even more football. “King of Queens” would be on every night and we would watch “Friends” right up until they all get fat and bald and old. There would be an Angie Dickinson movie on at all times and I don’t care how old Pepper is, she still has it.

Paul Newman would get his own channel and “Hombre” would be shown at least once each day. Rene Russo would do whatever she wanted, but Don Imus would be sent back to his ranch because it has all grown so tired. All soap operas, including “Days of Our Lives” (a former addiction) will be concluded in one week and all amnesia cases will be cured. All “survivor” shows would be a dim memory since all participating producers and actors would be imprisoned with no chance of parole.

If we are going to watch even more television on our new VOD system, I am finally going to get that digital, 54-inch monster. Sony, of course. I may even get a new couch.

Even more television. Just imagine.

Our legs will fall off.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.


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