I just knew it was too good to be true.

In a classified newspaper ad, a Boston hospital (which will go unnamed) offered to pay a whopping $6,300 for participants in a 32-day sleep study. We all have our talents, of course. Mine are sleeping and napping. Getting six large ones for sleeping for a month was right up my alley while I await my coveted Social Security checks. That would pay most of my Amazon.com tab.

I answered the classified advertisement and found out why they were paying $6,300. The hospital was looking for a few brave subjects ages 55-85 for a 32-day sleep research study investigating the impact of melatonin on sleep. For those without a medical dictionary nearby, melatonin is a hormone produced primarily at night by your pineal gland. The study was aimed at determining how melatonin may be able to affect the sleep as well as waking alertness and performance of “healthy older adults.” I guess that’s me.

I figured a month in Boston would help while away the horrible winter months while I await spring training for the beloved Red Sox. I would spent a month in Beantown, hit a few restaurants and clubs, maybe a stop at the Fleet Center to watch the Bruins and Celtics lose, then back to the rack at the hospital. How bad could it be?

Pretty bad. The hospital informed potential subjects that “during the study you will be required to remain at the hospital in your own private room for the duration of the 32 days. You will not be allowed to leave your room until the end of the study.” That sounds familiar. I think that is commonly referred to as “jail.”

Well, all right, I can hang at the hospital, flirt with the nurses, bring some of my 114 lurid novels from Amazon.com and catch up on the classics. Our hospital tells us “you should be aware that you will be interrupted several times per hour and asked to take several performance tests or to rate your level of sleepiness on a computer.” I could take that.

It got worse.

“Your sleep will be monitored every night. We will place sensors on your face and scalp to do this. You will have an IV catheter inserted in your forearm for the entire study. It will remain in your arm for frequent blood drawings. Over the course of the 32-day study, we will take no more than 2 pints of blood total.”

Yikes!

“Your body temperature will be monitored constantly during the study. We do this using a rectal sensor that is thin and flexible and will be inserted by you. You will wear it all during the study except when having a bowel movement and showering.”

A what sensor?

“Throughout the study, urine will be collected to monitor your kidney function and hormone levels. Saliva will be collected throughout the study to measure hormone levels.”

All of a sudden this was wearing the clothes of a very bad idea.

The hospital continued: “The following substances are prohibited for the duration of the study: alcohol and nicotine or caffeinated products (coffee, tea, soft drinks, chocolate), prescription and nonprescription medication (vitamins, aspirin, Tylenol).”

No coffee for 32 days? Are they kidding? There was more.

“While you are participating in the study, you will remain in a time-free environment. This means that you will not leave your study room during the study. There are no windows or clocks, TVs, radios, visitors or phone calls. This is so your knowledge of the time does not influence your study results.”

I told the unnamed Boston hospital to take their $6,300 study, their rectal sensor and forget it.

I may get a paper route instead.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.