In theaters

OLD SCHOOL, directed by Todd Phillips, written by Phillips and Scot Armstrong, 91 minutes, rated R.

“Old School” comes from the folks who gave us “Road Trip,” and, in turn, Tom Green in his first film role – the one in which he tickled a live mouse with his tongue before popping it into his mouth as if it were some sort of Dickensian hors d’oeuvre.

For most, that will be the end of this review as they’ll immediately know whether “Old School” is for them. So, see you next week.

However, for those who are still on the fence about whether to see it, “Old School” is, in fact, old hat, the sort of film that’s never as nostalgic as its title suggests – unless, of course, the nostalgia we’re talking about harkens back to the days before the troglodytes.

As directed by Todd Phillips from the script he wrote with Scot Armstrong, the movie apparently was written under the influence of ephedra – it’s thin and occasionally toxic, creating a sort of cinematic wasting, which amounts to nothing on-screen.

It stars Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell of “Saturday Night Live” fame as a group of thirtysomething men trying to recapture their prime by starting the sort of fraternity that stages KY Jelly wrestling matches between 80-year-old men and young, nubile coeds.

Only two jokes got a rise out of the audience at my screening – the one in which Ferrell takes a tranquilizer dart to the throat, which is funny, and the one in which several young men gather on a rooftop, tie cement blocks to their unmentionables and hope for the best as those blocks are hurled into the air in an alarming show of faith.

Not surprisingly, castration is a theme that runs throughout “Old School,” particularly since all of these men -Wilson’s Mitch, Vaughn’s Beanie and Ferrell’s Frank – are feeling a bit neutered in their relationships. It’s the hard living they feel they must do to overcome their irrational fears about spending the rest of their lives with one woman, which allegedly gives “Old School” its frat-boy kick.

As produced by Ivan Reitman – who, shall we say, borrows liberally from the superior “Animal House,” which he also produced – “Old School” is a dim bulb with no energy to light it.

It’s lazy and colorless, a dull, shapeless movie that proves the American dream is alive and well in Hollywood. Indeed, in that town, apparently anyone can succeed – even those with a bad script and no clue that the best comedies rely on timing, attention to character and wit.

Grade: D-

On video and DVD

THE RING, directed by Gore Verbinski, written by Ehren Kruger, based on the novel by Koji Suzuki, 115 minutes, rated PG-13.

Gore Verbinski’s “The Ring” asks audiences to imagine a videotape whose contents are so terrifying, viewing the footage will kill you within seven days of watching it.

Ring a bell?

It might. “The Ring” is based on Hideo Nakata’s hugely popular 1998 Japanese film, “Ringu,” which follows the same premise – death by video within seven days – and which has since generated a sequel, a prequel, a comic book, a television series and a Korean remake by Dong-bin Kim titled “Ring Virus.”

Initially, Verbinski’s remake is engaging and fun, but by the time the last reel has unraveled, so has the film, whose endless puzzles keep accumulating until the ideas that once fueled them have turned on themselves.

In the movie, Naomi Watts is Rachel Keller, a Seattle-based newspaper reporter whose niece and three friends die after viewing a disturbing videotape, which Rachel finds (too easily) at a lodge in the Washington woods (don’t ask) and watches herself.

The videotape, a surrealist’s dream, is a scratchy, black-and-white nightmare of freaked-out horses, creeping centipedes and ladders that climb to nowhere. After receiving a telephone call from a stranger telling her she has a week to live, Rachel is off and sleuthing, employing her former boyfriend (Martin Henderson) to help her solve the mounting mystery.

What ensues has its moments, but not enough to give the film a sustained series of jolts.

Worse, the movie doesn’t adequately explain the videotape and its contents, which unhinges it.

Watts has screen presence to spare, but for a woman whose death is imminent, she plays the part awfully coolly. So does David Dorfman as Rachel’s psychic son, Aidan, an anemic 6-year-old boy who comes off like the life-size, windup version of Haley Joel Osment. Unfortunately, his vivid drawings of dark rings and dead people are never as effective as the fierce scribblings that brought superior horror movies such as “The Changeling” to life.

Grade: C

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, Tuesdays and Thursdays on WLBZ 2 and WCSH 6, and are archived on RottenTomatoes.com. He can be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.

Renting a video or a DVD, NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores. Those capped and in bold print are new to video stores this week.

About a Boy ? A-

The Adventures of Pluto Nash ? F

Austin Powers in Goldmember ? B-

The Banger Sisters ? B

Barbershop ? B+

Blood Work ? B-

Blue Crush ? B+

The Bourne Identity ? B+

Brown Sugar ? C+

City by the Sea ? C

8 Women ? B

Feardotcom ? F

Formula 51 ? F

The Four Feathers ? C

Full Frontal ? D

The Good Girl ? A-

HALF PAST DEAD ? F

Halloween: Resurrection ? F

Ice Age ? B

Igby Goes Down ? A

Insomnia ? A

Jason X ? Bomb

Knockaround Guys ? D

Lilo & Stitch ? B+

Lovely and Amazing ? A

The Master of Disguise ? F

Men in Black II ? C-

Minority Report ? A-

My Big Fat Greek Wedding ? A-

One Hour Photo ? A-

Possession ? B

Reign of Fire ? C+

THE RING ? C

The Road to Perdition ? A-

Serving Sara ? D

Simone ? B

Signs ? B-

Spider-Man ? A-

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron ?B+

Spy Kids 2 ? B+

Stuart Little 2 ? A-

Sweet Home Alabama ? B-

Swept Away ? D-

Sum of All Fears ? D

Sunset Boulevard (remastered DVD) ? A+

Tadpole ? B

Unfaithful ? B-