When ready to swim, suit your age

Now that summer officially has arrived, it’s time to stash our sweaters and start thinking of swimwear. Or so the magazines tell us while suggesting apparel for the beaches that barely will cover our goose bumps … let alone swollen black fly bites.

For example, in a recent Harper’s Bazaar, there is a stunning Gucci swimsuit the size of a lace doily for $1,095, shown with matching pumps ($450) that would make their own “bazaar” combination on the rocky shores along coastal Maine.

“Find what suits you best,” says Harper’s, whose swimsuit models are thin as fly rods in designs by Giorgio Armani ($450), Emilio Pucci ($385), Roberto Cavalli ($650), Donna Karan ($895), as well as “special orders” by Behnaz Sarafpour, who apparently lacks the nerve to state the price.

Then, there are the two-piece selections that come separately. Prada’s bikini top – which could serve as a sweatband while mowing your yard – lists

for $320, while the bottom can be thrown in for another $230.

“Luckily, this summer offers a wide range of swimwear, whether you’ll be catching waves at Montauk or lounging by the pool in Saint-Tropez,” says Harper’s. There apparently is something for everyone, but with a word or two of caution. “The ultrasexy vibe from Milan has been channeled into swimsuits, with revealing cutouts, straps and deep plunging necklines. Be warned: These suits aren’t for the faint of heart.”

Nor for the faint of cash. One such swimsuit, featuring so many cutouts the remaining material wouldn’t make a decent dinner napkin, costs $230. (“Cutouts can strategically hide or reveal body parts.”) Another $350 design features what looks like an Ace bandage for sprained ankles, mere strips of a swimsuit. (“Fendi’s strappy two-piece offers a peek of your sides and stomach while concealing and distracting from your hips.”)

What caught our eye was the page showing swimsuit “solutions” for “any age.” Women 25-plus are advised to “flaunt your form with string bikinis,” yet the strings don’t look strong enough to hold a kite in Down East winds. For those around 35 years of age, “side ruching on a simple tank takes pounds off your waist,” whatever ruching is.

And for those women aged 45-plus, “well-constructed suits are the way to go.” Shown for this age group is a modest one-piece Chanel suit for $290, and “if you can carry it off,” a Malia Mills bikini with a top for $88 and bottom for $84. Well-constructed suits in “low-key” colors: what a putdown.

Then, what’s really bazaar in Harper’s Bazaar. There are no swimsuits pictured for those 55-plus-age women. It’s as though we’re to swim – and even be seen – at our own risk.

We thought surely there would be a few selections from which to choose. Perhaps, something rather conservative and suitable for Maine, lined with blue tarp for warmth yet covered in stylishly sheer mosquito netting.