Lifestyles of the rich and the brakeless

I thought about my beloved bullet-ridden Dodge when I read about the new Mercedes last week. The Mercedes Maybach (pronounced MY-bock) is now at your neighborhood showroom for only $305,500.

The 1955 Dodge was my first vehicle and carried a wound inflicted by its previous owner (Adrian Lupien) after an unsuccessful hunting expedition. The bullet hole didn’t cause anywhere near as many problems as the emergency brake, which did not work at all. I found that out when I came out of the Sharon (Mass.) post office on my maiden voyage in the vehicle, around 1964. The Dodge was making its escape, running down Main Street without benefit of a driver. I had to run along beside the vehicle until it slowed enough to allow me to jump in and slam on the brakes.

Adrian neglected to tell me about the malfunctioning emergency brake.

A lesser man would have had the brake fixed. I used to carry a large brick to be applied to the rear tire to use as a brake. Several dates objected to being forced to apply the brick while dressed in their Sunday best. But it was a great conversational starter.

The car set me back $60, which was paid in three monthly installments. These were hard times.

Buying a Maybach is a little more difficult.

First, you have to choose between three choices of wood trim, seven different leather interiors and 257 paint combinations. Few would opt for the black-and-yellow motif of the ancient Dodge.

There is a refrigerator big enough for a bottle of champagne between the front and rear seat. Naturally, the refrigerator has spaces for champagne glasses. The rear-seat passengers have their own speedometer, temperature gauge and clock in the headliner, apparently to keep track of what Jeeves, your chauffeur, is up to.

The seats in the Dodge were cut to pieces and every passenger left with a piece of stuffing stuck to their clothes as a sort of memento. In the Maybach, seats go back and forth, up and down and have heaters as well as massage systems. Ventilated seats with 10 interior fans are extra. (What do you expect for $305,500?)

The Dodge had an AM radio, which worked whenever it felt like it, which was better than the emergency brake. For entertainment, the Maybach has a video screen on the back of each front seat as well as a third in the dashboard. Passengers can choose between local television, DVD movies, video games and the GPS navigational system. Before you call Ralph Nader, the front screen is limited to navigation and control functions when the car is moving.

The Maybach has a space-shuttle-quality (no insult intended) air suspension system, dual, four-piston front brake calipers, 10 air bags and special LED lights, front and rear.

The Dodge had a weak six-cylinder engine that labored to top the speed limit. Any speed limit. To keep away from those terrorists and kidnappers, the Maybach comes with a dual turbo, V-12 engine with no less than 542 horsepower, which will take you from Cobb Manor to 60 mph in a head-snapping 5.2 seconds. You can make very quick beer runs in this beast.

If you have that $305,550 in what’s left of your 401(k) and think the Maybach is for you, better act fast. Only 1,000 will be made this year and about 500 will be earmarked for the U.S.A. You will need a $50,000 deposit once you figure out your leather, wood trim and paint combination.

That’s 50 grand. Down.

I would presume that the Maybach emergency brake works, for $305,500.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.