No harm no fowl Tailgate cook gets fired up for eats beyond the basic chicken barbecue

loading...

Our chicken voodoo work was done.

After the tattered remnants of the Upside Down Canoe Club employed chicken barbecues two years ago to guide the New England Patriots to seven straight wins, including the Super Bowl, we sat back and put our feet up.

Some of the blatherskites, pillocks and hornswagglers in the club suggested we try something other than poultry. “Chicken again?” they complained. Initially, I thought it was heresy. After all, every chicken barbecue resulted in another Patriots win.

Then I decided the Patriots were on their own. (Actually I couldn’t take the emotion of another championship run.) It was time to branch (and brunch) out.

Enter my new favorite (and second) cookbook, “Tailgates to Touchdowns: Fabulous Football Food,” by my new favorite author, Nina Swan-Kohler. Our girl Nina is a sports legend, since she played clarinet for the Golden Eagles marching band of Southeast Missouri State in the 1971 Super Bowl. Talk about fame.

According to some historians, tailgating started with the first Ivy League football game between Rutgers and Princeton in 1869. Fans traveled by carriage and grilled sausages and hot dogs. Others say it started at Yale in 1904 when hungry Eli fans brought along picnics.

Tailgating is bigger and better than ever, according to the self-elected Commissioner of Tailgating, Joe Cahn. Cahn, a former New Orleans chef, has driven more than 280,000 miles in his “Joemobile” visiting hundreds of cities and eating a variety of tailgate items. He reports that fans are arriving earlier and staying later, especially if their teams win. A new favorite in the parking lot, he says, is deep-fried turkeys.

A survey conducted by Ragu reported that 40 percent of those who attend football games first fill up at tailgate parties. The survey reported that fans are branching out into calzones and pizzas on their grills.

Although most “tailgating” is done in arena parking lots, some of the poor, geographically challenged Patriots fans in Maine must make do in their living rooms.

While thumbing through “Tailgates to Touchdowns” (Swan-Kohler & Associates, 2003), I was thunderstruck. There, on page 64, was the “Kick-Off Brisket.”

Of course, most bachelors latch on to a few favorite recipes (barbecued chicken) and ignore the rest of the culinary world. I can’t even make French toast. I had no idea what a “brisket” was other than it sounded pretty good. But the recipe looked great in the color pictures and called for cooking the meat for three hours in Bloody Mary mix!

I knew the football gang would eat this one up.

Because I am the loser who always supplies the food (how expensive can chicken be?) I went off to Shaw’s to talk to the butcher for the first time in my life. First of all I had to ask him what a brisket was and where I could find one. He explained that a brisket was the tender cut lying close to the ribs. The recipe called for a 5-pounder, but thinking about the appetites in that crowd I asked for a 6-pounder. The butcher looked shocked. “I really don’t have a 6-pound brisket. I will be lucky to find a 5-pounder.”

I was disappointed but ordered him to dig in his meat locker for the best he could do. He came back with what looked like a medium-sized dog all wrapped up in plastic. I didn’t think I had a pan (I have very few) big enough to hold the beast.

Normally, I buy the same things every week in the grocery store. I know where the cheese, eggs and chicken are kept. But this “Kick-off Brisket” called for such exotic ingredients as lemon-lime soda, Worcestershire sauce and brown gravy mix. This called for some serious grocery shopping. I found the Bloody Mary mix, rather easily.

I went crazy and decided to make the “Game Thyme” Biscuit Squares, which were featured on the same page in the cookbook. Now I had to find biscuit mix, fresh parsley and thyme (my spices are all at least 15 years old) plus sour cream.

For a brief and weak moment, I considered adding Touchdown Turnovers to the menu. Then I looked at the ingredients, which included coconut (like I could ever find that on the shelves), condensed milk and shortening, whatever that was. Plus, it required a pastry bag. I like my friends and all, but none of them are worth buying a pastry bag.

Actually that recipe died when I couldn’t find the required Hershey’s chocolate football candies.

On the morning of the Patriots-Redskins game, I got up early to mix the ingredients for the chunk of meat, found a pan (just) big enough and put it in the oven. It was murder finding those long-lost teaspoon and tablespoon measures. I probably use the oven an average of three times a year, but I mastered the digital controls. It worked out well, when the meat came out, perfectly done I might add. Then it was time to put the “Game Thyme” biscuits in for the 20-minute interval needed to cool the meat.

Naturally I spilled the hot grease from the overfilled meat pan onto the floor and my bare feet.

The menu was simplified for the football crowd and all vegetables were banned. We had the meat, the rolls and five loaves of bread for sandwiches.

The meat was fine and all, but the rolls (the first I ever attempted) were perfect. I had about five of them devoured by the time the first Patriots fan arrived. When I found that the mixture had to be “kneaded” I almost threw the whole thing away. My hands were covered with the sticky dough, then the faucet when I tried to wash it off. Naturally the mixing board was left covered with a light mixture somewhat akin to cement.

The washing was far tougher than the cooking.

The meal was a stunning success.

Appreciative of a free meal, the Patriot fans were effusive. Illegal Alien David pronounced the meat “as tender as a woman’s love.”

Honest to God.

Fashionably Bohemian Bob said “the Bloody Mary mix kept the meat nice and moist.” His wife, the long-suffering Saint Annie, said, “These biscuits are like my mother used to make.”

I didn’t care if they were exaggerating or not. Any cook loves the compliments.

There was a small skirmish over the cookbook and possible future football meals.

I rejected all things Mexican for the good of humanity, but thought about Pre Game Pinwheels, Cheesy Pigs in Blankets, Tangy Honey-Barbecue Beef Steaks and Honey Ginger Salmon.

But as the last-minute effort by the Patriots failed and they lost the game, some wondered if we had to return to our traditional voodoo chicken to get the team back to the Super Bowl.

Nope.

They are on their own.

Maybe I can find a new recipe using pina colada mix.

Emmet Meara writes a weekly column for the Saturday Style section. He can be reached at emmetmeara@msn.com.

Editor’s Note: The recipes are adapted from “Tailgates to Touchdowns: Fabulous Football Food,” by Nina Swan-Kohler. The cookbook ($18.95) is available through local bookstores. For information, call 319-393-7675, e-mail swankohler@cs.com, visit the Web site www.tailgatestotouchdowns.com, or write to Tailgates to Touchdowns, P.O. Box 11151, Cedar Rapids, Iowa. 52410.

Kick-Off Brisket

Serves 8-10

1 large onion

1 extra-lean beef brisket (5 pounds)

juice of one lemon

1 cup Bloody Mary mix

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

1 cup lemon-lime soda

1 package brown gravy mix

Layer onions and beef in large roaster baking pan or dish. In a four-cup glass measure, stir together Bloody Mary mix, lemon-lime soda, lemon juice and Worcestershire sauce. Whisk in gravy mix and pour over beef. Cover tightly with foil. Bake at 325 for three hours or until beef is tender. Cool for 15 or 20 minutes.

“Game Thyme” Biscuit Squares

Makes 12 biscuits

3 cups buttermilk biscuit mix

1 cup sour cream

1 tablespoon fresh parsley

1/2 cup milk

2 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves

In a large bowl, stir together baking mix, parsley and thyme. In a two-cup glass measure, combine sour cream and milk; stir into baking mixture until dough forms a ball. Turn out onto surface dusted with additional baking mix. Knead 10 times.

Place in baking dish and cut dough into squares. Drizzle with butter. Bake at 400 F for 18 to 20 minutes or until golden brown.

Bowl Game Chili

Makes 8 to 10 servings

1 pound lean ground beef

1 large onion, chopped (2 cups)

31/2 cups water (divided)

2 cans (141/2 ounces each) Mexican-style or chili-style tomatoes

2 cans (15 ounces each) black beans or pinto beans, rinsed and drained

2 cups picante sauce

1 teaspoon ground cumin (optional)

1 package (1.61 ounce) brown gravy mix

shredded Cheddar cheese

In a 4-quart saucepan or Dutch oven, cook and stir ground beef and onion until beef is no longer pink; drain. Add 3 cups water, tomatoes, beans, picante sauce and cumin; heat to boiling. Meanwhile, dissolve gravy mix in 1/2 cup cool water; stir into boiling soup. Reduce heat and simmer 10 minutes. Top with cheese and serve with Chili Cheese Herb Biscuits.

Chili Cheese Herb Biscuits

Makes 16 to 18 biscuits

3 cups buttermilk biscuit and baking mix

1 cup finely shredded Colby, Monterey Jack or Cheddar cheese

1 cup milk

1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chilies, drained well

6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) butter or margarine, melted

1 tablespoon dried parsley flakes

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

In large bowl, stir together biscuit and baking mix, cheese, milk and chilies until moistened. Drop dough by spoonfuls onto baking sheet coated with cooking spray. Bake at 450 degrees F for 10 to 13 minutes or until biscuits are golden brown. Combine butter, parsley and garlic powder; brush on biscuits. Serve warm.

Sweet and Spicy Football Cookies

Makes four to five dozen cookies

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

23/4 cups buttermilk biscuit and baking mix

1 cup white chocolate chips (6 ounces)

2 teaspoons shortening

In a large mixer bowl, beat brown sugar and butter until creamy, about three minutes. Add egg, ginger, cinnamon and cloves; beat until light and fluffy. Add biscuit and baking mix, beating on low speed to combine. Chill dough for at least one hour. On surface dusted with additional biscuit and baking mix, roll out half of dough to 1/8-inch thickness. With cookie cutter, cut out football shapes (or other shapes as desired). Place one inch apart on cookie sheets coated with cooking spray. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes or until tops are no longer moist. Remove from cookie sheet to wire rack to cool. Repeat with remaining dough. To decorate, place white chocolate chips and shortening in heavy-duty resealable plastic bag; microwave on medium (50 percent power) for three to four minutes, massaging bag every minute, or until chips are melted. Cut off tip of one corner of bag. Pipe melted white chocolate onto cookies to resemble laces on footballs.

Touchdown Turnovers

Makes 15 turnovers

2 cups buttermilk biscuit and baking mix

11/4 cups flaked coconut (divided)

2/3 cup milk

1/3 cup sweetened condensed milk

15 milk chocolate football candies, unwrapped

2 tablespoons butter or margarine, melted

1/3 cup milk chocolate chips

1 teaspoon shortening

In a large bowl, stir together biscuit and baking mix, 1/2 cup of the coconut and milk to form soft dough. Turn onto surface dusted with additional biscuit and baking mix; knead 10 to 15 times. Roll out dough to a 15-by-9-inch rectangle. Cut into 15 (3-by-3-inch) squares. Place squares on baking sheet coated with cooking spray. Combine remaining coconut and sweetened condensed milk. Spoon one rounded teaspoonful of coconut mixture onto center of each square; top with a chocolate football. Fold dough in half to form a triangle. Press edges together with a fork to seal. Brush turnovers with melted butter. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 to 13 minutes or until golden brown. Meanwhile, place 1/3 cup chocolate chips and shortening in heavy-duty resealable plastic bag. Microwave on medium (50 percent power) for two to three minutes or until chips are melted, massaging bag every minute. Cut off tip of one corner of bag. Drizzle melted chocolate over turnovers.