In theaters

DR. SEUSS’ THE CAT IN THE HAT, directed by Bo Welch, written by Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer. Based on the book by Dr. Seuss, 78 minutes, rated PG.

Bo Welch’s hugely disappointing “Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat,” from a screenplay by Alec Berg, David Mandel and Jeff Schaffer, may use the bones of Dr. Seuss’ beloved 1957 tale, but it quickly smashes them apart with its sledgehammer of a script.

The movie is bright and colorful dreck – one of the year’s worst. A flea wouldn’t have anything to do with it, but dogs certainly have – and, my, what a piece of trash they’ve hauled in from the back lot.

Hackneyed and pointless, shapeless and dull, the movie is everything Seuss’ book isn’t – overwritten, overblown, overcooked and overwrought. It has none of the unique, defining lyricism that made Seuss’ book such a spry original, and it stands as a rip-off, a low point in the holiday movie season

As The Cat, Mike Myers brings little to the role other than layers of thick black fur and a blanket of white makeup, a misguided energy that’s more desperate than spontaneous, and a stiff whiff of deja vu that detracts from the already thin story.

His Cat isn’t The Cat. It’s an A-list star in a cat suit doing impersonations of his more famous characters – Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, Shrek and Linda Richman – as well as Bert Lahr’s Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz.” The result is the laziest, most unimaginative performance of Myers’ career.

The book, which was commissioned to help teach and inspire first-graders to read, followed the reckless adventures of two children left home alone by their irresponsible, unidentified mother.

Departing from that potential pot of political incorrectness, first-time director Welch drives a story in which single mom Joan (Kelly Preston) is a responsible, beleaguered real estate agent summoned by her cruel boss, Mr. Humberfloob (Sean Hayes), to return to work. Reluctantly, she does so, leaving her children, Sally (Dakota Panning) and Conrad (Spencer Breslin), in the care of Mrs. Kwan (Amy Hill), a doughy narcoleptic and Asian-American stereotype.

While Mrs. Kwan sleeps, chaos reigns with the appearance of The Cat, who enters Sally and Conrad’s life with the destructive Thing 1 and Thing 2 in tow.

Together, they share in all sorts of raunchy fun, all of which challenges the film’s PG rating.

Does anyone remember The Cat feigning an erection in the book? Trading in his share of scatological humor to get a laugh? Being whacked in the unmentionables by some unruly tots who rejoice in The Cat’s doubled-over pain? And how about Alec Baldwin’s role as the gassy, beer-bloated salesman, Quinn, who wants to send Conrad to military school so he can have an easier time persuading Conrad’s mother to marry him. Is he really what the story needed to create tension?

At a recent screening, the only tension that was clear came from the mostly quiet audience, particularly from the parents in attendance, who likely had a few questions to answer on the ride home.

Grade: D-

On video and DVD

X2: X-MEN UNITED, directed by Bryan Singer, written by Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris, 135 minutes, rated PG-13.

Bryan Singer’s “X2: X-Men United” begins with an audacious bang and sustains it beautifully.

The movie is a vast improvement over 2000’s “X-Men,” a so-so affair that was sandbagged with the unfortunate task of introducing not one superhuman character, but eight – all of whom had different powers that needed to be explained before the real action could begin.

“X2” has none of those pitfalls. With most of its predecessor’s principal cast on hand, it introduces only a few new characters, which Singer handles with the sort of breezy efficiency that makes for a far more entertaining movie.

As dense as the plot is, Singer goes to great lengths to make certain it doesn’t feel overstuffed.

He takes his time with his tale, fleshing out his tormented characters and allowing them their conflicts, such as with the tense romantic triangle that develops between Dr. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), Cyclops (James Marsden) and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman); the ugly past Wolverine must face through his relationship with the evil Stryker (Brian Cox); and the love affair that blooms between Rogue (Anna Paquin) and Iceman (Shawn Ashmore), which could lead to Iceman’s death should they consummate it.

Across the board, the acting is strong, particularly from Patrick Stewart as Xavier and Ian McKellan as Magneto, and near the end, the film becomes downright moving as it twists into the unexpected. The film’s action scenes are tight and often ingenious, such as when Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) brazenly busts Magneto from his cell, or when Storm (Halle Berry) generates a few dozen tornadoes to keep the Air Force off her tail.

Like so many scenes in “X2,” that scene doesn’t end as one expects.

Singer and his screenwriters know the value of a surprise and they deliver their share without dipping into the absurd. The result is a movie that surpasses expectations, a superhero flick that can rightfully take its place alongside the best.

Grade: A-

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, 5:30 p.m. Thursdays on WLBZ 2 and WCSH 6, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He can be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.

The Video-DVD Corner

Renting a video or a DVD? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores. Those in bold print are new to video stores this week.

Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights ? D

A Mighty Wind ? B+

Anger Management ? C-

Bend it Like Beckham ? A-

Bringing Down the House ? B

Bruce Almighty ? B+

Confidence ? B-

The Core ? B

Daddy Day Care ? D

Down with Love ? C+

Dreamcatcher ? C-

Dumb and Dumberer ? D-

Finding Nemo ? B+

Holes ? B+

Hollywood Homicide ? D-

Hulk ? C-

Identity ? B+

The In-Laws ? C

The Italian Job ? A-

Lara Croft Tombraider: The Cradle of Life ? B

Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde ? C+

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers ? A-

The Matrix Reloaded ? A-

Nowhere in Africa ? A

Owning Mahowny ? B-

The Quiet American ? A

Real Women Have Curves ? A-

Santa Clause 2 ? C-

Shanghai Knights ? B

Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas ? B-

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines ? B

2 Fast 2 Furious ? C-

28 Days Later ? B+

View from the Top ? C+

X2: X-Men United ? A-