Much malice, but how much wit?

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Editor’s Note: Student Union’s weekly columns are a joint effort of the region’s high schools, the Bangor Daily News and Acadia Hospital. This column was written by Old Town High School students. Their adviser is Karen Marley.

For best results, please read aloud, preferably with a partner, or at least with the voices in your head. Rinse and repeat.

Tyler: This is our disclaimer. We apologize in advance for having offended you, our readers, and warn you that we may mock, taunt or upset one or more of the following: Americans, foreigners, Canadians (people who wear flannel), short people, tall people, medium-sized people, people who wear pants, nudists, Democrats, nude Democrats, Republicans, independents, Ralph Nader, people with no political affiliations, people named Jack, people not named Jack, people who like the name Jack, people who drive trucks, people who drive cars, people who drive backhoes, people who walk, people who run, people who skip or occasionally trot, people with high IQs, people with absurdly low IQs – or as I like to call them – Kristen.

Kristen: OK, you’re done talking.

Tyler: People who eat crab grass…

Kristen: You’re done.

Tyler: OK.

Kristen: We, Tyler and I, were given the privilege of writing a column article on any topic that concerns our local community for the Bangor Daily News. I’ll tell you that we spent many long hours contemplating serious topics. Then we realized that we couldn’t be serious, and that the majority of the information we had discussed could not be published. If it were to be published, we would be beaten like redheaded stepchildren. (Tyler, if you would please present the first example.)

Tyler: Oww, you’re beating me.

Kristen: Thank you, Tyler.

Tyler: You’re very welcome.

Kristen: As I was saying, we found it hard to concentrate on serious topics, but a deadline is a deadline. So … let’s talk about the casino issue.

Tyler: Shall we?

Kristen: We shall. The people who are still pro-casino think that a resort casino would bring many new jobs to Maine.

Tyler: Good. We need more jobs.

Kristen: However, I believe that most of those jobs would be minimum wage service jobs.

Tyler: Do Jell-O tasters get minimum wage?

Kristen: What? Jell-O tasters?

Tyler: Yeah, the Jell-O tasters … the folks who risk their lives every day to protect the people of America.

Kristen: What? How?

Tyler: They taste Jell-O. Those brave people who go to work in the factory every day, leaving behind their loved ones, never knowing if they will ever again see their faces. They sit by the conveyer belts, spoons in hand, tasting the new batches of Jell-O, hoping, praying, that it won’t be their last container of the strawberry gelatin snack. The purpose of Jell-O tasting is to make sure the Jell-O is quality merchandise and full of delicious, gelatinous substance. God bless them – every one.

Kristen: (Long awkward pause, complete with dazed expression.)

Tyler: There are numerous important jobs out there. Take, for instance, shoe cobbling. There’s nothing like a freshly cobbled American shoe.

Kristen: But I don’t believe that there are many more American shoe cobblers.

Tyler: Excuse me?

Kristen: Most of our shoes are either made by machines or by foreign labor.

Tyler: Oh. Well … bring back the cobbler! Bring back hard-working American laborers! Bring back American jobs! And while you’re at it, bring back the dinosaur! And since we’re on the topic of history, did Adam and Eve have belly buttons? I mean, why would they?

Kristen: What? Of course, everyone has a belly button.

Tyler: Not I.

Kristen: What do you mean? How do you not have a belly button?

Tyler: Operation. Couple years ago. Got it filled in – never really liked my belly button.

Kristen: Wonderful. I’m happy for you.

Tyler: Thank you. It was, of course, a life-altering metamorphosis. But my family stood by me the entire time. Of course, I haven’t seen them since, and the police said I’m not allowed to talk to my brother, except for holidays.

Kristen: Casinos. Yes, let’s continue talking about casinos. These minimum-wage jobs, I believe, would hardly support a family, especially living in the high-cost area around the casino. Commuting to work also causes money problems, such as driving many miles to and from work everyday. I’m sort of glad that the casino did not pass, because maybe now a new company can come into Maine and the people who would have worked at the casino can take these new jobs and, well, I don’t know … maybe…

Tyler: Kristen! We should create a fresh, new company! We’ll hire all the people who might have been doing service jobs at the casino, and we’ll pay them better wages. We can market a product so everyone benefits, and they would be able afford both living space and food and …

Kristen: Keep dreaming. Us? Start a company? In Maine?

Tyler: Why not? I mean, let’s reach out and help our fellow working men and women. Someone’s got to do it.

Kristen: What would our product be?

Tyler: We can cobble shoes. Viva la Shoe Cobbler! We can produce a quality, comfortable shoe made by hardworking Americans for hardworking Americans.

Kristen: That’s so crazy, it just might work!

Tyler: Quick, to the CobblerMobile; we’ve not a moment to lose.

The Serious Undertones are Tyler Costigan and Kristen Paul from Old Town High School. The Serious Undertones will be featured in their next article: The Serious Undertones Strike Back. And then their next to next article: The Return of the Cobbler. We hope if you have any questions or comments about this article or ideas that you wish the Serious Undertones would discuss in their next piece, please send mail (hate mail, fan mail, junk mail, chain mail, or holiday greeting cards) to us, Kristen Paul and Tyler Costigan, Old Town High School, 203 Stillwater Ave., Old Town 04468.