Cool past no cure for being Out Of It

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they become totally, irrevocably, undeniably Out Of It.

Mine came last week, when I came across the nominations for the annual Grammy Awards. The actual awards will be announced on Feb. 8.

I used to be cool, at least once in a while. Well, three times.

Once James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, actually hit me on the chest with his incomparably gaudy cuff link (still have it), part of his trademark finish, right after the prolonged version of “Please, Please, Please, Please.” Then there was the night I brought the bugaloo dance to a soul club on the grungy side of Miami. In an even grungier club in Oakland, I sang into Otis Redding’s microphone.

Hey, I subscribed to Rolling Stone for decades.

That’s all behind us now. Here are the nominations for Record of the Year: Beyonce. Black Eyed Peas. Coldplay. Eminem (unfortunately, I have heard of him) and OutKast. (spell check is starting to smoke).

What ever happened to Joe Tex?

The envelope please. The nominees for Album of the Year are Missy Elliott, Evanescence, OutKast again, Justin Timberlake and The White Stripes.

What ever happened to Jefferson Airplane?

The nominees for Song of the Year are Linda Perry, Richard Marx (I’ve heard of him), Avril Lavigne, Jorge Calderon and J. Bass.

What ever happened to Tower of Power?

The nominees for Best New Artist (hold your applause until the end) are Evanescense, 50 Cent, Fountains of Wayne (that has to be a joke), the immortal Heather Headley and Sean Paul.

Where has all the time gone?

Hard rock entries include Audioslave, Evanescense again, Godsmack, Jane’s Addiction and Queens of the Stone Age (I like that name).

Let’s go to metal performances. I have heard of Metallica. Don’t tell anyone but I have their CD “Kill ‘Em All.” It was a Rolling Stone recommendation.

The other metal nominees are Korn, Marilyn Manson, Spineshank (good name) and Stone Sour.

Metal album nominations went to Audioslave, Evanescense again, Foo Fighters, Matchbox Twenty and Nickleback.

Nickleback? Who are these people?

I felt much better when I perused the male rock performances for some familiar faces and names. We have old friend David Bowie, old enemy Bob Dylan, Lenny Kravitz, Dave Matthews, and an old favorite, the snarling Tom Waits.

I felt even better when I found old pal Bonnie Raitt (I have all her albums) among the female rock performers. She was there with Lucinda Williams, Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne and Pink.

I hated to admit it, but I knew all the traditional pop vocal album nominees, Tony Bennett (he must be 135 years old), Rosemary Clooney, Bette Midler, Rod Stewart and Barbra Streisand.

In order to be prepared for the February awards, I will now e-mail Amazon.com and get a few CDs from Spineshank, Korn, Foo Fighters and OutKast.

I don’t want my grandson to think I am Out Of It.

Even though I am.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.