Star naming cute but not worth a cent

Now that the holidays are over, and Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, it’s time once again for the star salesmen to begin hawking those little bits of heaven they insist will make perfect gifts for the loved ones in our lives.

You’ve probably heard the ads on the radio from such companies as the International Star Registry, which promise that for only $54, plus shipping and handling, you can name a real star in the sky for that special someone who, presumably, already has everything worth owning here on Earth.

“Name a star!” its Web site says. “That’s right, an actual star!” You can’t buy the star itself, of course. That would be an astronomically expensive purchase, even if you could be guaranteed to get a star that hadn’t burned itself out long ago. But for a fee, you do get to put a name on a star, which is copyrighted and duly recorded in the company’s official star book, which is enticingly titled “Your Place in the Cosmos.” Your gift package includes a 12-inch-by-16-inch certificate with your chosen star name and all the telescopic coordinates you’ll need to locate it. For $139, you can have the ultimate package, which includes a frame.

The company has been in business since 1979, from what I’ve read, and claims to have sold hundreds of thousands of star names. Perhaps you bought one yourself, which would place you in some famous company indeed. Britain’s Queen Mother has her own star somewhere in the Milky Way, and Princess Diana’s name was affixed for all eternity to two stars after her death. Winona Ryder got one for Johnny Depp, and Nicole Kidman named her star “Forever Tom.” There are stars named Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton, Oprah and a slew of other earthly luminaries.

I have to admit the gift-giving idea does have a certain novel appeal. Just set up a telescope in the back yard, aim it at the proper coordinates, pop a bottle of bubbly, and then invite your sweetie to peer into the eyepiece as you announce: “See that star, the one just to the right of Sirius? That’s the star I named for you and only you. That’s the star that will forever be known to the world as Gladys.”

Better than a lousy heart-shaped box of chocolates, wouldn’t you agree? Unfortunately, there is one small hitch.

“It’s bogus,” said Neil Comins, an astronomer at the University of Maine who knows a thing or two about stars and about the companies that purport to sell them. “You cannot name a star that anyone in any position of scientific authority or responsibility would acknowledge as the star Gladys. You don’t get anything but a piece of parchment that has no scientific standing whatsoever.”

Comins said there are more than 200 billion stars in the Milky Way, and all of them – the visible ones, at least – have been named and numbered and cataloged already. Only the International Astronomical Union has the authority to name heavenly bodies, and it certainly doesn’t sell them on the radio as Valentine’s gifts. In fact, the organization devotes part of its Web site to disassociating itself from vendors that sell unofficial star names or, heaven forbid, “real estate” on other planets or moons in the solar system.

But if you still feel the need to name a star, the experts suggest, simply go outside some clear night, point to a star and dub it “Grampa Lester” or “Phil’s Small Engine Repair” or whatever else you like. It amounts to the same thing and it won’t cost you a dime – not even for a supernova.