Golf, beer and a good head knock

Golf has to be the most maddening recreation ever devised. Just ask any hacker who lives for the weekend when he can gleefully submit himself to all the self-loathing and humiliation that this wonderful game is famous for dishing out in such devilish abundance.

You might even say the game is fraught with so many built-in frustrations that it could drive a guy to drink. Well, if a new bill that won the initial approval of the Maine House and Senate becomes law, thirsty golfers won’t have to wait to finish their rounds before tossing back a cold beer or two at the clubhouse lounge. LD 656, similar to a bill that was rejected after much debate in the last session, would lift the ban on selling beer on the state’s golf courses. It’s a restriction that only Maine and three other states now adhere to, even if a portion of the playing public has always flaunted the law by smuggling the frosty libations inside their golf bags.

But the convenience of having beer delivered right to your tee comes with a pricey legal trade-off. Under the new proposal, sneaking a brew in your golf bag is an offense that could cost you $250.

While many golfers will welcome the sight of the “motorized service bars” zipping around from hole to hole, Austin Kelly is definitely not one of them. Having worked as the golf pro at Bangor Municipal Golf Course for 33 years, until his retirement in 1996, Kelly said he was glad to see the proposal defeated in 2001 and sorry that its revised version appears headed for enactment.

“It has the potential for real trouble, if you ask me,” he said. “I know that won’t make me popular with a lot of golfers out there.”

He’s probably correct about that. There are lots of golfers who believe that beer and golf go together like … well, like beer and softball, beer and bowling, or beer and just about anything. And while most people wouldn’t abuse their on-course drinking privileges, Kelly said, all it takes is one pickled foursome driving drunk off a tee to put other players in jeopardy.

“Someone who’s had a few is not in full control out there,” he said. “There’s a certain amount of risk any time you’re playing, but you don’t need to worry about being hit in the head from behind by a guy who’s had one too many. There are plenty of golfers who hit the ball bad to begin with, and having a few beers is certainly not going to improve their accuracy, I can tell you that.”

Kelly said he enjoys his beer as much as anyone. In fact, he thinks people who don’t drink beer are missing out on one of the true pleasures of life. But what he can’t understand is why some golfers feel they can’t make it through 18 holes without cracking a few cold ones while they’re at it.

“I just can’t see the logic in it,” he said. “Selling beer on the course can slow down play, and it puts a lot of pressure on the course pro and his staff who have to police it. How are you supposed to effectively police 150 acres of golf course to make sure no one gets out of hand? I’m not sure you can, and that could create the potential for all kinds of liability problems.”

If the bill gets a final vote of approval by the Legislature, and yelling “fore” becomes both an alert and a signal to the beer-cart driver that you’d like another round, Maine golfers will find out for themselves if Kelly’s gloomy predictions are on target.

“Maybe we should play it safe and go out there in hard hats,” he said.