It’s just the way the grass grows

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Apparently, I am not destined to own a ride-on lawn mower.

Cobb Manor came equipped with a full acre of the fastest growing lawn on the East Coast. It is rumored that more than one Morgan Horse is buried there, as part of its rich history as a horse farm. Perhaps that is the natural fertilizer that powers the fast growing grass.

A combination of laziness and a knee shattered by a desperate Nautilus winter regimen to prepare for the Florida beach babes (hey, I can dream) has determined that the days of the low-rent push mower are over. I usually let the lawn go for so long that a serious mowing will kill most of Saturday and Sunday.

When the local edition of Home Depot opened on a new cliff overlooking Route 1 in Rockland, I was dragged there by Blue Eyes, who is always searching for a bargain. She made me fill out the application for a Home Depot credit card, since it included a 10 percent cut on the first purchase.

Our first trip was not to buy the mower, but for about 15 venetian blinds. I determined that it would be easier and cheaper to replace the 20-year-old blinds than to clean them. You can guess how many times they have been cleaned since installation. They are so old that the strings crumble when an attempt is made at opening, lowering or raising.

In a harbinger of Home Depot service, we could find no one to wait on us and left, frustrated.

Once I (and my screaming knee) decided that the era of ride-on lawn mowing had arrived, I made the return trip to Home Depot last week, with my 10 percent coupon in hand. I have always chosen to get the very best and strode directly to the John Deere green, yellow and white lawn tractors.

I eliminated the top-of-the line Deere, one G110 BG20266. This beauty had a 25-horsepower engine, a three-blade system, a 54-inch cutting deck, plus automatic “cruise control” (honest to God) with a price tag of just under $2,000. The grass catcher (if I am now pushing a mower, I certainly am not raking) was another $300.

Even I have my limits.

I stayed in the John Deere stall, but moved down to the humble L100 BG20249, with a mere 17-horsepower (the shame), a manual transmission, and a 42-inch deck. No cruise control. That was about $1,400 plus $300 for the grass catcher.

This was still too much money and I was grateful no one showed up to wait on me and I left with my Home Depot card, still unused.

With newly developed courage, I returned a few days later, determined to buy my L100. No one showed up to wait on me. A trip to the service desk determined that “everyone was busy bringing things outside.” I waited 15 minutes then left Home Depot for the third time without being waited on.

Before I left, the service desk crew advised me that my coveted 10 percent coupon was not good on John Deere products. “Read the fine print,” they said.

I went home, frustrated, for the third time. I planned my revenge.

I always thought that Sears and the Craftsman products had an excellent reputation and thought about buying a lawn mower there, instead. This took a great step forward since I had not stepped into a Sears store since an embarrassing nonpurchase about 30 years ago in the (now departed) Rockland store.

Those were the days when all the bills were placed in a pile on payday. When the money was gone, the rest of the pile was put away for next month. Sears was one of the smaller bills and always ended up on the bottom, often unpaid.

I found out the result of that bill-paying program when I went into the Rockland store somewhere around 1973 to buy a television with my Sears card. After I picked out the television, they said to go “downstairs” to have the purchase approved by the credit department. I should have known then. At the credit department, the clerk not only rejected the purchase but cut up my trusty Sears card right in front of me.

After 30 years, I was willing to let bygones be bygones if I could end up with a ride-on mower and made the trip to Augusta and the nearest Sears store.

Not only did they have a shiny red 2T364 mower with 18.5 horsepower and a 42-inch deck with an electric clutch (no cruise control) for a mere $1,299, on sale ( the bagger was another $289), but the best part of the deal was it would cost only about $50 a month, with no interest.

Such a deal.

I signed up for the deal at the Sears credit station with that 30-year-old humiliation fresh in my memory.

Guess what?

Rejected.

The 14-year old clerk (she looked like it, anyway) explained that she could not determine why I was rejected but “they will send you a letter.”

I think I’ll send them a letter. I have bought three houses, a half-dozen Hondas, a Toyota truck and have at least 20 credit cards since that ignominious afternoon “downstairs” at Sears. How can a 30-year old (eventually paid) bill still be on the records?

Now what? Push mowing an acre of overgrown grass?

I don’t think so.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.