In theaters

CATWOMAN, directed by Pitof, written by John Rogers, Theresa Rebeck, John Brancato, Michael Ferris and Bob Kane, 91 minutes, rated PG-13.

The new superhero movie, “Catwoman,” is a vain, choppy mess filled with unintentional laughs and groan-worthy moments that scrape bottom.

It’s also laced with sharp one-liners, style, excitement and enough sex appeal to make Puss-in-Boots from “Shrek” stand at attention. Mix it, and what’s left in the litter is an entertaining movie directed by someone named Pitof. Just Pitof.

Not unlike the director’s name, the movie is camp on a catnip high.

The film stars Halle Berry as Catwoman and Sharon Stone as the castrating witch out to 86 her nine lives. Stone is Laurel Hedare, an evil, aging supermodel with a blonde fright wig, glam clothes and a leggy strut who will go to any lengths to skirt a wrinkle.

At a time when youth and beauty are increasingly valued over age and experience, it’s tough to blame Laurel for trying to stay young, particularly when what’s at stake here is a beauty cream that’s so powerful, it can turn one’s skin into uncrackable marble – as it has done for Laurel.

For unwitting consumers, the problem is that the cream is highly toxic, a truth Laurel’s husband, the cosmetics giant George Hedare (Lambert Wilson), would rather cover with one of his concealers.

What he and Laurel don’t want anyone to know is that once the cream is applied, it must be used for life. Otherwise, the moment one stops using it, there isn’t enough Botox in the world to repair the sagging damage.

The film’s first third is shaky and awkward, chronicling how Berry’s bumbling Patience Philips, a shy graphic designer who works for Laurel and George, becomes the outrageously confident Catwoman. That’s just how I’ll leave it for you, but the good news is that the movie recovers, with Patience trying to learn what it means to be Catwoman, which includes wielding a whip and wearing a push-up bra.

Her love interest in the movie is policeman Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt), who joins a long line of superhero suitors in that he initially has no clue that his intended has the most unusual of side jobs. Together, there is a snap of chemistry between Berry and Bratt – they look great together – though the film’s quick-cut editing undermines that whenever it can. It doesn’t allow us to linger on them.

Since “Catwoman” would be lacking without a cat fight between Berry and Stone, Pitof delivers in the final moments. These two just don’t go after each other with their claws and fists, but with a string of quick, funny retorts that blister the screen.

That gets to the real strength of “Catwoman.” Some of the dialogue is genuinely clever, such as when Catwoman enters a disco in her full dominatrix leather drag, her whip swirling in the air around her, and asks the bartender for “a white Russian – hold the vodka, hold the Kahlua.” Considering the suggestive way she licks the milk mustache from her lips, it’s surprising this movie wasn’t scratched with an R rating.

Grade: B

On video and DVD

HELLBOY, directed by Guillermo del Toro, written by del Toro and Peter Briggs, 113 minutes, rated PG-13.

Guillermo del Toro’s “Hellboy” is crammed with so much chaos and disorder, it stands as the most convoluted of the superhero lot.

It stars Ron Perlman as Hellboy, a giant red beast with blunted horns, a right arm the size of a semi, and a big, swinging tail meant to underscore Hellboy’s virility, which is substantial.

At 53, Perlman has the sort of wit, warmth and personality that can punch through the thickest layers of latex and makeup. Hollywood digs his butch swagger and he easily is the best reason to see the movie.

In its most streamlined form, the film begins in Scotland in 1944, where the Nazis have opened a portal into hell that promises to bring about the apocalypse. They do so with the help of Rasputin (Karel Roden) – yes, that Rasputin – who chants loads of electrified mumbo jumbo before the entire operation is shut down with the help of British scientist Dr. Broom (John Hurt).

It’s Broom who finds, protects and rears Hellboy, the satanic child who sprung from hell just before the portal was blown to bits. Now, in the present, Rasputin and his undead army are back seeking another end of the world. It’s up to Hellboy and Broom, along with Hellboy’s pyrotelekinetic love interest, Liz (Selma Blair), a mortal named John (Rupert Evans), and several others to end this madness before it fully unfolds.

Needless to say, complications ensue. So do the love triangles, particularly when it’s revealed that John also has eyes for Liz. The movie is at its best when it focuses on Hellboy’s romantic dilemma. Embarrassed by how he looks yet unfailingly in love with Liz, he feels conflicted about how to move forward, believing she couldn’t possibly love anyone who looks as grotesque as he does.

That plot has been recycled to death in literature and the movies, nevermind the superhero genre. Still, in this otherwise overblown special-effects extravaganza, it gives the film a pulse it otherwise would have lacked.

Grade: B

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, 5:30 p.m. Thursdays on WLBZ 2 Bangor and WCSH 6 Portland, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.