Lately, it seems everyone is wondering who will be the next Martha Stewart. Will it be B. Smith? Oprah? One of the Fab Five, perhaps?

Amid all the speculation, I can guarantee one thing: It won’t be me.

A dinner party last week dashed any hopes I had of becoming a domestic diva. I’m simply not cut out for it. Things didn’t turn out badly, mind you, but they weren’t what you’d call seamless. Nor were they particularly elegant.

It started out innocently enough. My editor had a plan: She wanted me to write a story about duding up your back yard for an informal end-of-summer gathering, complete with easy-to-prepare recipes and, of course, beer.

Having declared my back yard too disastrous for duding, I recruited a friend with a nice deck, went to Target to pick up accessories, became overwhelmed by all the options (Do I really need a tangerine-orange beverage pail? Do daisy-bedecked plastic plates really convey an air of whimsy?) and decided to wing it.

I had dreams of beauty – delusions, really. I saw Japanese lanterns, crisp white tablecloths, Christmas lights and candles everywhere. And I envisioned a spread of food so impressive, my friends at Gourmet would call to see if I did freelance.

Things didn’t exactly work out as I had planned.

In the meantime, my friend went on vacation, my editor needed the story, and, left deckless, I needed to spruce up my yard, quickly. This was no easy task, mind you, as I still had demolition debris in the yard after a recent bathroom gutting. Nothing says “casual elegance” like a pile of Sheetrock and a sink on the ground.

To make matters worse, Target had replaced all their inexpensive summer stuff with swanky dorm decor. Japanese lanterns were no longer in the budget. I couldn’t find a white tablecloth to save my life. Oh, and someone forwarded my dinner invitation to an e-mail list-serve at the University of Maine. My intimate soiree had morphed into a keg party. Fabulous.

Remember when Martha stabbed the cabbage on national TV? Yeah, that’s how I felt, minus the cabbage. And that’s how my husband, Jason, found me the night before the would-be party, sitting at our dining room table, surrounded by cookbooks, frantically taking notes, muttering curses under my breath. A friend of ours who was in town for the week arrived shortly afterward.

After batting around highly impressive, ambitious recipes that would require a day of preparation, we decided simple was better. We picked low-stress, wholesome dishes that celebrated the bounty of the season: Tuscan white bean dip with sage. Salmon skewers with seasonal vegetables – served with a choice of fresh fruit salsa or cucumber-dill sauce. A fresh salad with nasturtiums and vinaigrette. Herbed green beans. Fresh-squeezed lemonade with mint. And pound cake with ricotta cream and fresh blueberries. Mmmm.

I went to sleep with visions of vegetables dancing in my head. The next morning, as I drove to work, my husband called me. He had gone to get his morning coffee. A woman we know peripherally stopped him and said, “I heard you’re having a party tonight.” More people were coming.

Sensing my teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown, my husband wisely decided to take a half-day off and clean out the yard. Our friend Claire chopped peppers, skewered veggies, mixed pound cake and sliced fruit while I tried to figure out

what to do with our yard. I had a huge table on loan from a friend. Jason put together a makeshift bench. I stared at the small patch of lawn and asked myself, “What would Martha do?”

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Martha comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. In this case, “Let it be vintage.” I whipped out my collection of ’60s-print sheets, which make a heck of a tablecloth in a pinch. I filled a giant galvanized tub with ice and set it out on a smaller table covered with a charmingly mismatched tablecloth. I then scrounged up as many canning jars, pickle jars, mustard jars and salsa jars as I could find and stuck tea lights in them.

Inside, Jason boned the fish while Claire checked the pound cake. Outside, I created a shabby-chic paradise. I cut flowers and stuck them in soda bottles. I lit lanterns around the perimeter of the yard. I urged my dogs to do their business elsewhere. Then I had a beer.

By 7, only one guest had arrived. I was beginning to panic. Then my best friend and her boyfriend showed up. Shortly afterward, a colleague showed up, and another, and then our new friends from town. Slowly, they all streamed in – all 23 of them – and we recognized everyone. The best part? No one asked where the keg was.

No, I’m kidding. The best part was that everyone loved the food. I managed to relax a little, and even though you won’t be seeing my party tips on the pages of a glossy magazine spread anytime soon, everyone had a good time – so good that our last guests said goodbye a little after 2 a.m.

Now that’s a good thing.

Kristen Andresen can be reached at 990-8287 and kandresen@bangordailynews.net.

Old-Fashioned Lemonade with Mint

Makes about 10 cups

Adapted from “Lemonade” by Fred Thompson

For sugar syrup

Grated zest of 2 lemons

2 cups granulated sugar

2 cups water

For lemonade

Juice of 14 lemons (reserve rinds)

6 cups cold water

Lemon slices for garnish

1/4 cup fresh mint leaves

To make sugar syrup, combine lemon zest, sugar and water in a medium saucepan. Bring to a gentle boil over medium heat, stirring to dissolve the sugar. Remove from heat, cover and let steep for 15 minutes.

To make the lemonade, pour the syrup into a large container, let cool, and add the lemon juice and water (water can be adjusted depending on how sweet you like your lemonade). Peel lemon rinds with a vegetable peeler and sprinkle rinds into the lemonade. Add mint and stir to combine. Serve with ice.

Tuscan White Bean Dip with Sage

Makes 24 servings

2 tablespoons olive oil, divided

3 cloves garlic, minced

2 tablespoons fresh sage, chopped

1 16-ounce can cannellini beans, drained and rinsed (or 2 cups dry great northern beans, soaked for 1 hour andboiled for 1 hour)

1 cup water

1 cube chicken bouillon

1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1 French baguette, sliced and rubbed with a halved garlic clove

Preheat oven to 350 F. Toast baguette slices until golden brown, 10-15 minutes.

Heat oil in a skillet. Add garlic and sage and saute for 1 minute to release flavor. Add beans, water, and bouillon cube. Stir and cook until water has evaporated.

Remove from heat, fold in Parmesan cheese. Serve hot and drizzled with olive oil, surrounded by baguette toasts.

Salmon Skewers with Seasonal Vegetables

Makes 4 servings. (Recipe doubles and triples well.) Vary vegetables according to what’s in season.

For salmon:

2 salmon steaks, 1/2 pound each (preferably boneless)

1/8 cup olive oil

Juice of 1/2 lemon

1 tablespoon chopped fresh dill weed

For vegetables:

1 each red, orange and yellow pepper

1 small red onion

1 small summer squash

1 small zucchini

1 quart cherry tomatoes

Soak wooden skewers in water for an hour beforehand.

Clean grill grate and spray with oil or nonstick cooking spray. Preheat grill to medium-high heat.

If salmon is not boneless, bone salmon and cut into 1-inch cubes. Marinate in oil, lemon juice and dill for 10 minutes. Do not marinate any longer or the salmon will “cook.” Skewer fish cubes and set aside.

Cut vegetables, except tomatoes, into 1-inch squares (or a close approximation thereof). Place on skewers, varying vegetables, but keep tomatoes together as they cook more quickly than the others.

Grill vegetables first over medium-high heat, about 3 minutes per side, until tender and a bit charred. Grill salmon, carefully turning after 3 minutes, until fish is pink all the way through. If necessary, use a spatula to separate the salmon from the grill grate.

Tropical Fruit Salsa

1/2 cup each of 3/8-inch diced:

Honeydew

Cantaloupe

Papaya

Mango

Pineapple

Avocado

Watermelon

1 small, minced, seeded jalapeno

1 tablespoon fresh cilantro, chopped

1/2 teaspoon chopped mint

1 teaspoon lime zest

1/2 small chopped red onion

Tabasco, to taste

Combine ingredients in a medium, nonreactive bowl. Season with Tabasco to taste. Refrigerate at least 2 hours, preferably overnight. Stir and season again, to taste, with salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce.

Cucumber-Dill Sour Cream Sauce

1 16-ounce container sour cream

1/2 European cucumber, diced, skin left on

2 tablespoons fresh dill, chopped

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

Salt and pepper, to taste

Combine ingredients in a small bowl and refrigerate at least 1 hour. If using dried dill, cut the amount in half. Season to taste.

Fresh Greens with Nasturtiums and Vinaigrette

Makes 4 servings

For salad:

1 small bag salad greens (check your farmers market, or buy at the grocer)

10 nasturtium flowers (at farmers market or from the garden)

For vinaigrette:

1/2 cup olive oil

1/4 cup red wine vinegar

2 teaspoons Dijon mustard

1/2 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves

1 garlic clove, minced

Salt and pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in a small, covered container. Shake. Season to taste. Serve at room temperature.

Note: This will keep refrigerated for up to 1 week.

Herbed Green Beans

Makes about 6 servings

1 pound green beans, trimmed and cut in half

1 tablespoon tarragon

1 tablespoon butter

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Steam green beans for 5 minutes. Remove from heat and toss with butter, tarragon and nutmeg. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve hot.

Pound Cake with Ricotta Cream and Fresh Blueberries

Makes 10 servings

For pound cake:

2 cups sifted all-purpose flour

5 large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/2 pound (2 sticks) butter, at room temperature

1 1/3 cups sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 325 F. Grease and flour a 9-by-5-inch loaf pan.

Resift flour.

Whisk together eggs, vanilla and nutmeg in a medium bowl.

In a large bowl, beat butter until creamy, about 30 seconds. Gradually add sugar and salt. Scrape the sides of the bowl and beat on high speed until lightened in color and texture, about 3 to 5 minutes. Gradually add egg mixture, about 1 tablespoon at a time, and beat until light and fluffy, about 3 to 4 minutes. add the flour in 3 parts, beating at low speed and scraping the sides of the bowl as necessary. Scrape the batter into the pan and spread evenly. Bake about 1 hour, until toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Let cool about 10 minutes and remove cake from pan. Slice and serve with ricotta cream and berries.

Note: This recipe is adapted from “The Joy of Cooking” by Irma S. Rombauer, Marion Rombauer Becker and Ethan Becker.

For ricotta cream:

1 15-ounce container part-skim ricotta cheese

1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar

1/2 cup half-and-half

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl until mixture is smooth. Chill until ready to serve.

To serve, cut pound cake into 10 slices. Spoon a dollop of ricotta mixture on the cake, and top with fresh blueberries (about 1 pint).