When I was young (two years ago), I thought Maglites were the very best you could do for flashlights. They were brighter by far than anything else. You could put four D cells in the big momma and use it for a weapon against road-rage drivers, even gorillas.

I had the big ones. I had the mini Maglites. I had them in backpacks, in my car, in my luggage, on my desk, in my kitchen drawers.

Then, thanks to one very hip reader, I was hipped to the Surefire Z2 Combat light, only $68 on sale.

This device, seen on all the latest movies and police television shows, is supposed to be bright enough to disable a ‘light deprived’ foe. When you see the SWAT team coming through the door with a flashlight fixed to the AK-47, that would be the Surefire Z2 combat light. It will give you lithium-powered 60 lumens for 60 minutes or 120 lumens of disabling light for 20 minutes, just in case of prolonged nighttime shootouts.

Made of nitrolon polymer (honest to God), the patented adjusted rubber rip ring helps those SWAT teamers operate the light with a pistol (which I have never owned). The flawless white beam always is in focus and with the optional V70 polymer holster (I bought one), you can draw the combat light with the correct grip and orientation. Vital.

The next time I enter a burning building to confront a terrorist, I am all set for illumination. All I need is the weapon.

Then, thanks to the folks at Men’s Journal Magazine (the publication for people with too much time on their hands and too much money in their pocket), I became acquainted with the Coast LED Torches.

Specifically the V2, 16-chip Extreme Beam with 16 LEDs (gotta have them) inside 16 reflector tubes with, allegedly, more efficient light delivery for a longer time than traditional lights. I bought one for the car at $119, then bought much smaller (and cheaper) ones for the key chain and bedroom, at various prices.

I was dumb, happy and well illuminated.

Then I got a call from Ted Cohen, the newsman who sat on the George Bush OUI story until it was too late to have any effect on the election. For his troubles, he was dumped by the Portland Press Herald and is now slamming 18-wheelers down the interstate every night.

Calling from his truck, Cohen bragged that he now had a “1 million candlepower” spotlight to find the trailer numbers in the dark. I could not allow myself to fall behind in the flashlight race. I had to have one as soon as possible.

The next day, I was off to Wal-Mart to find the Garrity rechargeable searchlight. It was a mere $20. I brought it home and plugged it in, doubtful of its power. How could you get so much light for so little money?

After the required 24-hour charge, I turned this puppy on and almost fell down. According to the Garrity Web site, a normal flashlight has anywhere between 4,000 and 10,000 candlepower. However, a spotlight (even a handheld one) has 1 to 3 million candlepower!

All of this became terribly relevant Saturday night when famed bed-wetting psychologist Frank Renew was trying to mix carrot cake cocktails on the deck. This (which tastes exactly like carrot cake) is a careful mixture of Butter Shots, Bailey’s Irish Cream and Hot Damn cinnamon liqueur.

It was getting dark and Frank asked if I had a light.

Did I have a light?

I had the Garrity 1 million-candlepower spotlight plugged in to the charger.

I brought the monster out, aimed it at Frank and pulled the trigger. The deck was illuminated, the field was illuminated and small birds started singing, thinking it was morning. Small game animals fled to the dark.

Airliners switched their traffic routes. Frank went blind, at least for a minute. He almost spilled some Bailey’s. It was great.

Now, I have to find out where to get one of the 3 million-candlepower models. I wonder how much they cost?

Gotta have one.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.