‘Anacondas’ will make you writhe in agony

In theaters

ANACONDAS: THE HUNT FOR THE BLOOD ORCHID, directed by Dwight H. Little, written by John Clafin, 93 minutes, rated PG-13.

“Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid” takes place in Borneo, where a fit team of attractive scientists and investors have traveled from New York City to find the fountain of youth in a flower that blooms once every seven years.

We are told at the start that finding this flower and making a pill out of its life-extending properties will be “bigger than Viagra,” which gives the old corporate cronies running this gig such a heady lift, they won’t be needing their own little blue pills for awhile.

The film, a companion piece, of sorts, to 1997’s “Anaconda,” doesn’t star J.Lo this time around. Instead, it sports the world’s first-ever pseudo-J.Lo. Indeed, as Gail Stern, Salli Richardson-Whitfield is a stereotypical Latina with a fiery attitude who has been teased and tarted up to look like her predecessor.

Joining Gail are a pretty scientist (KaDee Strickland) with a massive underbite and a cloying, hillbilly accent; a money-hungry English scientist (Matthew Marsden) who’s on the make; a studly doctor (Nicholas Gonzalez) who has eyes for the hillbilly; and a corporate suit (Morris Chestnut) who has bad luck with spiders. Eugene Byrd fails spectacularly to add comic relief as techie Cole Burris. Completing the melting pot is Karl Yune as Tran.

Nobody here stands taller than beefy Bill Johnson (Johnny Messner), who talks with the sort of B-movie husk that suggests he gargles with a nicotine wash before each take. Bill has muscles no T-shirt can contain, and a scruffy five-o’clock shadow that could peel the skin off a snake. When we first see his clunker of a boat, which will take this jumpy crew to the blood orchid, we note it’s called the Bloody Mary, which is perfect. It’s at this point that some in attendance will need a drink.

With smoldering Bill huffing and puffing at the helm, deep into the heart of darkness these fools go, all of them moving unwittingly toward what can only be described as an anaconda orgy. Yes, folks, it’s mating season in Borneo (“That’s a mating ball!”), and the snakes – most the size of skyscrapers – have an appetite for destruction.

As directed by Dwight H. Little, “Blood Orchid” dies at the root. Just as you’d expect, one by one these people get picked off and consumed, with greed being the factor that drives them – and divides them.

With no effort made by the filmmakers to give us a single moment we don’t see coming, the film is little more than a rote plodding through the paces.

Some of the dialogue is appealingly cheesy, but there aren’t enough of those moments to make the film consistently bad – and thus perversely enjoyable. It’s just damp and humid and dull. A better setting for this bomb would have been Bora Bora.

Grade: D

On video and DVD

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, directed by Mel Gibson, written by Benedict Fitzgerald and Gibson, 130 minutes, rated R.

Mel Gibson’s hotly debated “The Passion of The Christ” is everything Gibson set out to create – a disturbing, unrelenting bloodbath that chronicles the last 12 hours of Christ’s life. Like so many of Gibson’s films, the movie is big, physical, violent and unflinching. It’s a deeply personal experience whose success or failure comes down to one’s religious beliefs.

Those familiar with the New Testament will find little insight here, with one crucial exception: Gibson’s intensely graphic interpretation of the violence Christ endured at the hands of the Romans by way of the Sanhedrin Jews.

Gibson is Catholic, so the movie must be viewed solely as his interpretation of that violence, which was mentioned only fleetingly in the Gospels, but which, in Gibson’s hands, takes up the bulk of his 130-minute film. How this works cinematically is just as powerful as you might expect-how could it not be given the subject and the sheer amount of bloodshed involved?

Still, since its spring release, several critics have put Gibson himself on the cross because of his vision, questioning whether he went too far with the violence and whether his movie is anti-Semitic as a result. That depends on your own personal beliefs; arguments have been made to defend both views.

What’s true is that this isn’t a perfect movie and it’s not entirely historically accurate, but that’s in keeping with other biblical interpretations, from “King of Kings” to “The Greatest Story Ever Told” to the more recent “The Last Temptation of Christ” and “Dogma,” which incited their share of fury due to their handling of the New Testament.

Technically, the performances are excellent, particularly Jim Caviezel as Christ and Maia Morgenstern as Mary. Cinematography, sound, lighting, sets and score also are first rate.

Because of space considerations, this is a truncated review. Still, what must be said is this: However people feel about “The Passion,” whether they agree or disagree with the direction it takes, Gibson remained true to his beliefs and saw them through in spite of the fallout he must have known would strike due to the increasingly timid, politically correct and hysterical times in which we live. Say what you will about his art, but from the start, the man has behaved as an artist.

Grade: B+

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, 5:30 p.m. Thursdays on WLBZ 2 Bangor and WCSH 6 Portland, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.