Last summer I was treated to a sweet, romantic, first-date Italian dinner at a restaurant in Bar Harbor. My date suggested the restaurant and ordered the wine so he knew what he was getting into, monetarily speaking. He insisted on paying.

But I saw the prices on the menu, so I insisted on taking care of the tip. He seemed genuinely surprised. After he got over that, he was genuinely appreciative.

It seemed natural for me to help out with the expensive dinner. Obviously my date wasn’t expecting it.

An e-mail from a co-worker made me recall the incident again. Seems her son, almost out of his teenaged years, insists on paying for dates even though his girlfriend, who works alongside him and earns the same amount of money, tries to help.

The whole who-pays-on-the-first-date thing is utterly confusing, isn’t it? You’d think time and more empowered women would have changed things, but no one seems to know what’s best.

A quick survey of friends, both male and female, revealed differing opinions.

One female friend took an old-fashioned approach (and didn’t want me to use her name … and be forewarned, because this is a bit backward).

“Always the guy,” she said, although she conceded that she would pay or at least offer to do so if she did the asking. “… Back in my dating days there were times I wouldn’t even bring my wallet along. I figured if I had to pay on a first date, there’s wouldn’t be a second.”

I got the opposite viewpoint from my sister Joanna.

“An easy question,” she responded. “I used to always pay for myself if I could because then if I didn’t like him I could avoid the guilt of getting a free meal and not feel obligated to see him ever again.”

Now the guys: friend and co-worker John said he goes into first dates expecting to pay but agreeing to split the bill if the woman insists.

My friend Andy said he always expects to pay, even if the sparks aren’t flying (or if the conversation makes you want to watch TV with the sound off, as he put it).

“If drinks come after a great time at dinner, the girl should buy a drink or two to show she is a good [sport],” he said.

Craig, a buddy from the gym, thinks the guy should always pay until the two become a couple.

You can kind of use the who-pays to your advantage.

One girlfriend who preferred to remain anonymous had a little trick she used (back in her non-committed relationship days) when she realized she wasn’t interested in the guy sitting across from her: she insisted on paying for herself or picking up the whole tab.

“For some reason purely psychological, I think it must give me a ‘case-closed’ finality for the evening,” she confessed.

And the who-pays thing can get even murkier when you throw in issue expectations – as in, if this guy pays for everything, is he going to expect everything in return?

“I think dating is sometimes a form of prostitution,” my friend Ali said. “A guy takes you someplace really nice, picks up a big tab and automatically assumes you’ll spend the night. My advice is to always pay your own way, at least on the first date.”

Sad but true – some guys still think that they’re entitled to something more than a goodnight kiss. If so, sounds like a kiss-off to me.

Personally, I believe in the ask-and-thou-shall pay. Most of my friends felt the same way.

No one should ever go into a dinner date assuming it’s going to be paid for by someone else. And if the man insists on paying for dinner, then the woman should at least offer to pay for the tip, the drinks or the dessert – especially if we’re talking about two financially solvent, gainfully employed adults.

Here’s a thought to eliminate confusion beforehand. If you feel uncomfortable about being treated on a date, suggest doing something cheap. There are plenty of $1 movie nights, 2-for-1 pizza and burger-and-a-beer deals out there.

“If a guy is trying too hard to impress me, and takes me someplace very expensive or showy, it’s all on him,” said my anonymous girlfriend. “If he thinks [that] is what I am interested in, he deserves to pay.”

Jessica Bloch can be reached at 990-8193 and jbloch@bangordailynews.net