I haven’t owned a watch since high school. They were always uncomfortable and I could never walk through a door without smashing the crystal. Heck, I had a clock in the car, the house and at work.

Who needed a watch?

Then I spotted the ad for a $29 Casio that operated on a radio signal from the U. S Atomic Clock, updated daily. It was much too wacky to be true, like something out of Flash Gordon (never mind). I decided I had to have one.

It came last week along with instructions in a dozen languages.

In order to get the daily signal from the National Institute of Standards and Technology, you have to take the watch off and leave the face aimed at Fort Collins, Colo. Honest to God. How are you supposed to figure out where that is? I don’t even know where Colorado is, let alone Fort Collins. I didn’t even know we had a National Institute of Standards and Technology. I didn’t even know there was an atomic clock.

Now, I have one.

In order to get the atomic update, you have to thread the watch band through all the loops, just like you had it on. I can’t imagine why. You have to leave the watch in a spot away from appliances and computers.

The instructions tell me that I can wear the watch in the shower or swimming (in case I want to time my laps) but not scuba diving under 50 feet. The next time I go scuba diving, which will be the first time, I will remember to take off my atomic watch.

The signal comes in at 1 a.m. So far, I have not stayed up to watch the Fort Collins magic. The instructions say the update takes two to 11 minutes. When the magic indicator stays on, the $29 watch is as accurate as any on the planet.

Now, I am Atomic Man the time bore.

I walked around Cobb Manor and set the stove, microwave, clock radio, answering machine, computer, television, the truck clock and the actual wall clock to the second. Naturally they all had different times, relics of the pre-Atomic Age. Not any more. (I don’t have a lot to do.)

When I go out I check my Atomic Casio against the clocks in church steeples and the time given by radio stations. So much inaccuracy in the world today.

I was very upset a few days after the Atomic Casio arrived. I must have put the watch down wrong because the indicator light was out. I could have been off by a few seconds! I made the mistake of telling someone I was upset because I didn’t get my daily radio signal from Fort Collins. You should have seen the look on his face.

I placed the watch in the correct position the next night, aimed at Fort Collins (wherever that is), and the indicator came back on. I was back on atomic time.

Go ahead. Ask me what time it is.

Please.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.