SpongeBob not absorbing as expected

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In theaters

THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS MOVIE, directed by Stephen Hillenburg, written by Hillenburg, Derek Drymon, Tim Hill, Kent Osborne, Aaron Springer and Paul Tibbett, 90 minutes, rated PG.

The best, funniest scenes in the new “SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” have nothing to do with SpongeBob himself. Instead, what generates the biggest laughs are the live-action pirates who ingeniously start and close the show, and a brave cameo by a hirsute David Hasselhoff that has to be seen to be believed.

These scenes are outrageous and spontaneous in ways that the rest of the movie should have been, but isn’t.

SpongeBob himself does have his moments of goofy glory here, but the movie ultimately doesn’t live up to its advertising campaign. It’s not bigger, better and more absorbent than the Nickelodeon television show on which it’s based.

Au contraire. Too much of it is disappointingly damp.

As directed by Stephen Hillenburg from a script he co-wrote with Derek Drymon, Tim Hill, Ken Osborne, Aaron Springer and Paul Tibbett, the film wisely retains the bright, colorful look of the television show, but it fails to sustain the giddy tone that has made SpongeBob such a favorite among children and some adults.

This is a kids movie, so at my screening, it was telling to note that the dozens of tots who entered the theater abuzz with excitement gradually lost their interest in the movie as the story unfolded. Some felt more fun could be had roaming the aisles, while others fell asleep in their seats – never a good sign for a movie.

The film focuses on SpongeBob’s adventures in Bikini Bottom, which sounds dirtier than it is. There, SpongeBob’s boss, Mr. Krabs (Clancy Brown), has failed to promote our hero to manager for Krabs’ new Krusty Krab 2 restaurant.

With the job going to the adult Squidward, a hurt and angry SpongeBob (Tom Kenny) sets out to prove with his best friend, Patrick (Bill Fagerbakke), that kids are just as capable as adults.

That misleading, feel-good message leads to all sorts of problems, the short of which goes like this: The evil Plankton (Mr. Lawrence) – owner of the greasy spoon Chum Bucket restaurant – is plotting to steal business from Mr. Krabs’ new restaurant through theft and mind control.

Meanwhile, King Neptune has frozen Mr. Krabs solid because he believes that Krabs stole his crown. It’s up to SpongeBob and Patrick to travel to the dangerous land of Shell City to retrieve the crown and to save the day in ways that won’t be revealed here.

Too predictable and padded for its own good, “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” doesn’t feel like the first movie born out of an inspired series.

Instead, it feels like the uninspired last installment after a long run of SpongeBob movies. It should have been funnier, it should have been leaner, and yes, it should have been more absorbing.

Grade: C

On video and DVD

THE TERMINAL, directed by Steven Spielberg, written by Sacha Gervasi and Jeff Nathanson, 121 minutes, rated PG-13.

Steven Spielberg’s “The Terminal” is terminal, all right. It’s terminally long and terminally dull, the worst film Spielberg has made since 1991’s “Hook,” the weakest his star, Tom Hanks, has released since 1990’s “Joe Versus the Volcano.” It’s such a misstep, you have to wonder what compelled these two to make it, particularly since their choices are usually so sharp.

Whatever the reason, here’s their movie. Audiences should be rewarded with free travel miles if they decide to sit through it.

In it, Hanks is Viktor Navorski, a post-Soviet-bloc stereotype who comes to the United States only to learn that he’ll be denied access.

What’s the problem? Apparently, Viktor’s own country of Krakozhia launched into war while Viktor was en route to the U.S. Now tangled in red tape, Viktor is told by the head of airport security, Frank Dixon (Stanley Tucci), that he’s not leaving the terminal until this mess is sorted out.

In this case, that means an end to the war in Krakozhia, which promises to be nearly a year away, with Viktor imprisoned in the terminal as a result.

Much of the film’s premise is inspired by one of Hanks’ better films, “Cast Away,” with Viktor using his resources to survive in an inhospitable land.

For money, he first collects airport carts for quarters before finding work doing construction inside the terminal. For food, he either relies on the bounty resting within trash cans or he eats saltines with mustard and ketchup. For romance, he hits it big, finding love in a pretty flight attendant played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, who just happens to have a conveniently screwed-up love life.

What sandbags the movie isn’t just the lack of chemistry between Hanks and Jones or the film’s bloated running time, but Spielberg’s insulting dumbing-down of working class American immigrants, which is offensive, and the film’s overtly sentimental ending, which is abrasive.

Grade: D

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, 5:30 p.m. Thursdays on WLBZ 2 Bangor and WCSH 6 Portland, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.

The Video-DVD Corner

Renting a video or a DVD? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores. Those in bold print are new to video stores this week.

Around the World in 80 Days – D

At Home at the End of the World – B+

Barbershop 2: Back in Business – B+

The Chronicles of Riddick – C-

The Clearing – C+

Dawn of the Dead – A-

The Day After Tomorrow – B

Dogville – B

Elf – B+

Ella Enchanted – B

Envy – D

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – A-

Fahrenheit 9/11 – A-

Fog of War – A

Garfield: The Movie – C+

The Girl Next Door – C+

Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban – A-

Home on the Range – C-

House of Sand and Fog – B+

The Human Stain – D

Jersey Girl – C+

Johnson Family Vacation – D

Kill Bill Vol. 2 – B

The Ladykillers – B+

Laws of Attraction – C-

Man on Fire – B

Mean Girls – B+

Miracle – B+

The Punisher – C

Raising Helen – C+

Shrek 2 – B

The Stepford Wives – C

Soul Plane – D

Super Size Me – C-

Taking Lives – C

The Terminal – D

The Triplets of Belleville – A

Twisted – D-

Van Helsing – B

Walking Tall – C

White Chicks – C-