Adoption is the third choice

The November elections have brought many issues into focus for concerned citizens. One of the social issues that the candidates differed on was how a woman should handle an unplanned pregnancy. This is a complicated topic and one that conjures up questions that are unique for each woman. It is precisely for this reason that the issue of choice comes into play. A woman should have the right to choose, but she also deserves access to education on all of her options before making this important decision for herself and her child.

When a woman is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, there are really only three options – parenting, termination of the pregnancy and adoption. The pro-choice debate strikes a deep chord with most people. It is human nature to want to simplify difficult decisions based on some definition of what is right or wrong. In the midst of all this debating, the third choice of adoption is often overlooked.

November is recognized as National Adoption Awareness Month. This began as an effort to draw attention to the need for permanent families for children in the foster care system. It has since evolved into a month dedicated to raising awareness and sensitivity around adoption issues that affect all members of the adoption triad – adoptees, adoptive families, as well as the birth parents.

There was a time when adoption was seen as something that should remain a secret, which in turn assigns shame to the members involved. Those who work with birth mothers see their intense personal struggle around what is best for their child and themselves. They see the maturity and insight that is evoked in making such a decision. When a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy is brave enough to speak up and say that she is not ready to parent, someone needs to listen.

For those who are questioning whether they are ready to parent, options counseling is available. The reality is that all three of these options carry a sense of grief and loss. It is a very difficult time to be alone. Many women wait until later in their pregnancy to ask for help because they are in denial of the situation or just don’t know where to turn for help. Most women who inquire about adoption already have a sense of what they want to do, but are unsure of the process.

The adoption process today allows for much more participation by the birth mother. They have an active role in the selection of the adoptive family and are the ones who determine how “open” or “closed” they want their adoption plan to be. Birth-mother counselors encourage us to move away from old adoption language such as “giving a child up for adoption,” and instead use adoption-sensitive language such as, “making an adoption plan,” because it is more reflective of the careful thought that goes into the decision.

Melissa Huston is development coordinator for MAPS/My Choice, an adoption agency and birth-mother support program located in Bangor.