Mourning loved ones a journey

Sometimes it’s enough to just get through it.

OK, I know that doesn’t sound like the cheeriest Christmas message, but for those who have lost a loved one during this past year, it is my message to you. Cheery or not.

Four years ago my family suffered two great and unexpected losses, and the number of people around our family Christmas tree dipped from 13 to 11. The hole left in my mother’s living room that Christmas morning was gaping and sharp, and we all spent a great deal of time tiptoeing around it.

We got through it with lumps in our throats and a sigh of relief when it was over.

The hole is still there, by the way. It will never go away. What we’ve had to do is acknowledge it and, though we can’t fill it, we are a bit better at talking about it – about them.

And so with the tragic news from Iraq this week, and the thoughts of two Maine families who answered the door to receive the most dreaded words one can hear, I opted to call on my friend, adviser and my favorite shoulder, the Rev. Robert Carlson.

Carlson, former pastor at the East Orrington Congregational Church, pastor for area law enforcement agencies and chaplain at Husson College, has helped me through my own struggles during the past 15 years or so, and I hope that perhaps his wisdom and most of all his faith can help those of you who are looking at festivities tonight and Saturday with a heavy heart.

“I officiated at five funerals in four days last week,” he said earlier this week. “The one question weighing on everyone’s mind, of course, was how do we plug this enormous loss into the Christmas holiday?

“I told them all that the gift of Christmas is peace and hope. That’s the Christian belief that Jesus brings with him peace and goodwill toward man. Their greatest gift this year is the love that they shared with their loved one and they should use this day to unwrap that gift. They do that by remembering and telling stories and sharing those memories with one another.”

Most of all, he said, don’t avoid the loss.

“Don’t avoid it or minimize it. You don’t get over a loss like that, but instead you journey through it and holidays are part of that journey. I truly believe that the biggest mistake people make when grieving is not talking about it. Talking about it truly helps,” he said.

Carlson does not recommend drastic changes in holiday traditions the first year. Instead, he believes in honoring the past traditions even if some changes are necessary.

My family and others I know have found their own small ways to incorporate the loss into the holiday. A dear friend lost her 31-year-old son and was having a difficult time facing the holidays. Her son had so many good friends and she opted to have them all to her apartment one evening before Christmas. Each brought with them a Christmas ornament and they spent the evening eating and drinking and laughing and sharing memories of Mark. Now instead of dreading the decorating of her Christmas tree, she embraces it.

My sister, who lost her 20-year-old daughter, brings her to the holiday gathering each year, whether in the form of a special Christmas ornament with her photo on it, or a special gift. Each year she updates each family member’s home phone numbers, cell phone numbers and e-mail addresses and has them put on a small card with my niece’s picture on it. Last year she gave my 10-year-old daughter a sewing basket that was the last Christmas gift that she had given her daughter.

That such gestures bring forth a few tears is OK, according to Carlson. Sharing the heartache truly does lessen the burden.

When my niece was 3 years old, I tucked her into her bed on Christmas Eve. She brought out the book, “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas,” and read it to me in its entirety, turning the pages at just the right time.

I came bounding down the stairs sure that our family’s first true genius had arrived and was upstairs sleeping peacefully in a frilly pink flannel nightie.

My sister laughed at my enthusiasm.

“She has it memorized,” she said. “We read it together at least once a day.”

I love that memory, but I miss her. And I will miss her this Christmas and each day afterward.

That does not go away. But the journey, as Carlson points out, continues.

And so forgive yourself your grief. Don’t worry about not sending Christmas cards or feeling as festive as those around you do. It’s OK. There are many out there just like you. Perhaps say a prayer for them.