Opening doors provides learning opportunity

Last weekend, I celebrated along with my family the 25th anniversary of two dear family members. They were legally married last May and celebrated their 25th year together last weekend with about 130 of their family and friends. It was a wonderful celebration of the love and care shared between these two partners, these two men.

This celebration provided first and foremost an opportunity to be together with many people whom I know and love. It also gave me the opportunity to meet many new people, extended family members and many new friends whom I had never met before but had heard about.

As a straight, married man from Bangor, Maine, I don’t have too many chances to meet many gay men and lesbians. I met about 10 couples who had been together for 20 years or more and were committed to their partner as much as the law would allow.

Some were married since Massachusetts allows marriage between same-sex couples. Others took various legal steps to ensure that their wishes would be followed regarding inheritance concerns, visitation rights in case of hospitalization, and custody concerns when a child is involved. These steps are essential, as most gay and lesbian couples do not have these rights guaranteed.

One male couple I met has been together for over 25 years. One of the men acted as a sperm donor for a lesbian couple I met who have two children together. The two couples are friends and all are involved in the children’s lives, while the two mothers are the only two legal parents.

Also attending was a straight couple who proudly showed off their new baby, who was conceived with the help of in vitro fertilization. So, as we know, there are all types of ways in which people are having children these days.

Another male couple became foster parents to a 3-week-old boy about 13 years ago. Soon after, they adopted him as their son. They could do this because they live in San Francisco.

Most places in the United States do not allow adoptions by gay or lesbian couples. It is sad as there are so many children who need homes, and this prohibition prevents some loving individuals and couples from providing a supportive and caring home life for some children.

I was told by this father that some gay men and lesbians will adopt a child on their own but cannot adopt the child legally with their partner. This certainly provides much less security and continuity for the child in the case where the one parent may die.

He also expressed concern and sadness for restrictions such as hospital visitation rights which sometimes prohibit a long-term partner from visiting his or her ill partner. Health care provisions which straight married couples take for granted are usually not provided to gay or lesbian couples. These inequities and societal insensitivities need to be addressed if we wish to become a society which cares for the rights of people who are long-term loving companions.

I thought that it was quite coincidental that last weekend was the Martin Luther King holiday weekend. I live in a very homogeneous area. Most people here are white, Christian and straight. Last weekend gave me the opportunity to be in a very different circle of people. How often do most of us have the opportunity to be with many gay or lesbian people? How often do most of us have the opportunity to be with people of color or with people who speak a foreign language? How often do most of us have the opportunity to be with Jews or Muslims or Buddhists or other non-Christians?

I know when I lead services in a synagogue and non-Jews are present, I am given the opportunity to educate the visitors about our place of worship and our history, culture, faith and traditions. It is so important for us to remain open to the many ideas, beliefs, practices and traditions which make our world as varied as it is. It is sad that differences cause so much hostility rather than interest and curiosity.

This column provides you with an avenue to ask questions about Jewish life. Please feel free to e-mail me directly or write to the Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04402; Attn: Tom McCord.

Rabbi Barry Krieger is the rabbinic facilitator for the Hillel organization at the University of Maine in Orono. He may be reached via bkrieger56@aol.com. Voices is a weekly commentary by five Maine columnists who explore issues affecting spirituality and religious life.