Louis, Louis. Oh, no, we got to go now.

Yeah, Mr. Faux-tton, I’m talking to you.

And I’m not alone.

A viewer of my ShopGirl segment on WLBZ-2 (Fridays at 5 – tune in!) wrote in to ask me how I can tell the difference between real Louis Vuitton and knockoffs. I imagine it’s because I’m constantly railing on them.

I’m no expert, but here’s the quick and easy answer: They look fake. Most of the knockoffs I’ve seen are so bad – poor stitching, glued-on labels, bad hardware, logos facing the wrong way – that they give themselves away.

Though I’m usually a mild-mannered shopaholic, I get kind of snippy every time I write about this, so bear with me. There are reasons for my grouchiness, of course. I rally for the consumer, and it gets me in a twist when I hear about women spending anywhere from $50 to $200 on a Louis- or Coach- or Kate- “inspired” bag. Especially when you can get an entry-level Louis for $195, real Coach at T.J.’s for well under $100, or a nylon Kate Spade for $95. Plus, at Christmastime, I spotted Fendi and Prada bags at Sam’s Club, of all places. How cool is that?

But I understand why women buy knockoffs. The hottest of the Louis Vuitton bags cost upward of $1,000. The reason why I don’t own a Louis is simple: I can’t afford one. And if I could, I can think of a million other house projects I’d rather spend the money on.

Don’t get me wrong. I own a fake Spade. It’s adorable, and I proudly paid $6 for it at Goodwill. But my status-savvy friends knew it was fake the minute they saw it. Why? The font on the label is wrong. The stitching is bad. The lining is questionable. There’s a mark where the label was glued on.

And I own a real Coach bag. My best girlfriends bought it for me because they were sick of hearing me talk about it. Sure, I was lured in by the cachet of it, but I figured it was something classic, something I’ll have for years.

What I’m trying to say is, I see both sides of the debate. The ethics of knockoff bags are questionable at best. They’re undoubtedly made in sweatshops. Selling them in large quantities is illegal in most states. Then there’s the whole intellectual property issue.

But there’s an allure to owning a status bag. I’m frugal, but I feel it, too. In New York and on eBay, (and at some purse parties) you can get knockoffs that are so close to the real deal, even fashionistas can’t tell the difference. My friend Susan, who owns at least two real Louis Vuitton bags, was astonished when she saw the quality of the faux totes in Manhattan.

So how to tell the real thing from a good knockoff? There are entire Web sites devoted to the cause: www.mypoupette.com, www.hisremnant.org/Vuitton/ and www.handbag.com/fashion/howtolookgood/spottingfakes/ are all good resources.

But there’s one sure way to know you’re getting the goods. Buy them through an authorized retailer such as www.eluxury.com for Louis Vuitton or www.katespade.com for, you guessed it, Kate Spade. Since Kate was an anti-knockoff pioneer, this site also has a great real versus fake section. For Coach on a budget, hit the outlet in Freeport. For Coach in general, Macy’s in South Portland sells the real thing.

There you have it. I’ve said my piece. I rest my case – and it’s a Ralph Lauren briefcase, to be exact.

Shop Notes

. Attention Bangor shoppers: If you put a “Downtown Bangor: Feel the Beat” decal in your car’s rear window, you could win a $50 gift certificate to the downtown business of your choice. Sally Bates, the economic development officer and head of Bangor Center Corp., has people combing the streets, looking for decals. Each Monday, through April 11, the winning registration number will be posted online at www.downtownbangor.com. Decals are available at the Pickering Square Parking Garage while supplies last. To claim your prize, call Bates at 992-4234 by May 15.

. I feel like such a heel. In my County shopping trip, I failed to mention The Mad Hatter in the Aroostook Centre Mall. This children’s store has been open for 26 years, and it’s easy to see why – the adorable dresses I saw made me wish I had a baby shower to attend! If you’re heading north, be sure to stop and shop – the little ones in your life will be thrilled.

. If you haven’t been to the new Goodwill in Brewer (610 Wilson St., between Marden’s and Pierce Road) go now. It’s fabulous. I had the privilege of attending the grand opening last Friday, and while I handed out door prizes, I must admit: I spent most of the time Goodwill hunting. Among my finds were a pair of Nine West shoes ($5.95), a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch jeans ($5.95) and a Benetton sweater ($3.95), all new. All just right. What are you waiting for? Stop reading and go. Now.

Spotting a fake

To the untrained eye, this looks like a real Kate Spade bag, but there are a few telltale signs that it?s a knockoff:

Poor stitching, especially in the corners.

Font is too big and too wide on the label.

There?s a bit of ?bleed? around the label, where it was glued before it was stitched.

The bag was accompanied by a ?Made in China? tag.

It cost $6.

It was not purchased at an authorized Kate Spade retailer.

It didn?t come with a dust bag or a Kate Spade signature tag.

ShopGirl would love to hear from you! Send questions, comments or suggestions by e-mail to: kandresen@bangordailynews.net, by U.S. mail to: Kristen Andresen, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04402-1329, or by fax to: 941-9476. Tune in to ShopGirl at 5 p.m. Fridays on WLBZ-2.