Planning for death is important part of life

I am a very fortunate man. I am blessed, for the moment at least, with good health, with a healthful, loving partner, with two healthful, awesome sons and with two loving parents.

Life is filled with uncertainties. We do what we can and hope for the best. In Yiddish, the expression is, “der mensch tracht, un Gut lacht,” meaning, “man makes plans, and God laughs.”

The best we can do is try to plan for the many uncertainties that may affect our lives. We need to plan for our retirement, for our children’s education and for their well-being should we die when they are still young. We need to execute a clear will so that when we die our wishes can be followed by our loved ones who are still living.

And we need to execute a clear living will or health care directive in which we clarify our instructions regarding how we wish to live and how we wish not to live. In a living will, we may designate a person or two to become our health care proxy, or agent, in case we become unable to make decisions for ourselves. This agent is responsible for doing what is directed of him or her regarding end-of-life health care issues.

I am the health care proxy for my parents. This does not mean that I have the right to do what I think is best for them if they are unable to make decisions for themselves. Rather, it means that I have the right and responsibility to make decisions for them based on what I feel and understand they would have decided for themselves. I act as their agent, doing, to the best of my ability, what I think they would have wanted for themselves.

It is imperative for the agent to be as clear as possible about what is expected. Therefore, I often ask my parents what they want for themselves should their health deteriorate and I am then responsible to act on their behalf. In this way, I can do for them what they no longer can do for themselves. That is why I feel honored to be their health care proxy agent.

Judaism charges us to “choose life,” to live a life of meaning and joy. We also are charged to honor our parents and those we love and to be respectful of every individual regardless of their beliefs or religion. Life is precious and it is to be honored and enjoyed. However, we are not charged to cling to life and to fear death. Death is a certainty. We all will die.

Many people cling to things or to others. We don’t learn how to let go, how to be personally free or how to allow others to be free. Some cling to their own lives, fearing death, fearing letting go. Some cling to others, preventing them from moving on to their deaths and preventing them to be free of this life. Letting go is an important lesson found in many Buddhist teachings.

Jewish traditions are helpful as well. Our principle of honoring the dead body, “kvod hamet,” of treating the deceased person with great respect, encourages us to accept our own transition, our own letting go, as well as accepting the dying person’s transition from life to death.

Finally, the hospice movement has taught us much about letting go and honoring the dying person. Hospice encourages the significant others of that dying person to be present for the death and to allow the dying person to die. Sometimes, this means saying, out loud, “I love you, I will miss you and it is OK for you to die.” Sometimes, the dying person needs to hear our feelings of love and of letting go. In this way, the dying person can be freed of life and can be free to die.

Our modern American culture is one that often denies death’s inevitability. Many people avoid even using the word death and will only say “pass away.” Many avoid thinking about and planning for the inevitability of our deaths. This is a terrible mistake.

We take so much effort determining how we wish to live, our lifestyle is so important to us, yet many avoid planning how we wish to die, our “deathstyle.” To do this, we must take the time to write a will as well as a living will. Let us affirm and acknowledge both our life and our death.

Rabbi Barry Krieger is the rabbinic facilitator for the Hillel organization at the University of Maine in Orono. He may be reached via bkrieger56@aol.com. Voices is a weekly commentary by five Maine columnists who explore issues affecting spirituality and religious life.