Money is no object when you’re obsessed

I finally have Tony Kornheiser back on my radio. It only cost $300, plus $12 a month, of course.

Had to have it.

Kornheiser is a multimedia force, writing wryly on sports and for The Washington Post, and appearing nightly on “PTI” on ESPN. Frank Renew calls himself the “smartest man in New England” and has declared that “PTI” is “the best show on television.” Kornheiser is even the subject of a weak sitcom, “Listen Up” on CBS, starring Jason Alexander, once known as George Costanza.

There are no plans for movies, so far.

Kornheiser was a staple on ESPN radio until he left after a civil war with the “suits” over insults about fellow ESPN wage earners (egomaniac Jim Rome). He has orange skin, a balding head and wears terrible ties. He calls himself “the ugliest man in America.” I haven’t heard anyone argue that point.

But he is my favorite media maniac because he once read a Bangor Daily News column of mine on national radio. Naturally, the subject was Tony Kornheiser and my unnatural affection for his words. Naturally, I missed the reading.

I confess that my $29 watch signals the stroke of 5:30 each night so I won’t forget to watch “PTI.”

I am a sad case.

While driving through Washington, D.C., in February, I caught the Kornheiser radio show, revived only in D.C., Tony’s hometown. It was then that I realized how much I missed the show.

Kornheiser feels qualified to wax almost eloquent on any subject from movies to celebs to books to clothes to sports, which he refuses to treat as a new religion. He once said that Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson “share a fog of lunacy.”

That made my day.

I assumed I would have to drive to Washington each day if I wanted to listen to “Mr. Tony,” as he calls himself in his celeb alter ego pose.

Esquire Magazine (the delicious Eva Longoria of “Desperate Housewives” on the cover) came to the rescue. There, on page 51 was a full-page ad for XM satellite radio and the portable radio that can pick up space signals in the car, at home or on the road, It offered 150 channels of every conceivable music and sports offerings (all the major league baseball games) plus, on Channel 52, “The New Tony Kornheiser Show.”

All for a mere $300.

I thought of the 5,000-mile trip to Florida during which radio stations come and go, leaving me without total NCAA basketball tourney coverage, even in North Carolina, ground zero for college hoops.

I thought of the variety of jazz channels.

I ordered the MiFi XM2GO radio.

On the maiden voyage Monday morning, I plugged the satellite radio into my Bose system and heard, one after the other, Ben Webster, Dexter Gordon, Bobby Timmons, Thad Jones and Art Pepper. Not bad for openers.

But that was just batting practice. At 11 a.m., I got the voice I had been waiting for. It was Tony. It was a great show, culminating with Tony interviewing Jason Alexander, the Television Tony. I won’t watch “Listen Up.” You can’t make me.

I listened until Kornheiser was replaced by that Nixon White House felon Gordon Liddy. You can’t make me listen to him, either.

With my MiFi XM2GO at my side, I will never miss another basketball or baseball game. I will have great jazz coming out of my ears. And I will have “Mr. Tony.”

For only $300 – plus $12 a month.

I need professional help.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.