Kallan, a knowledgeable expert, writes on tautology

Richard Kallan is here to help you and your tautology problem.

You are so helpless that you don’t even know what tautology means. (I didn’t either.)

According to Kallan’s new book, “Armed Gunman, True Facts and other Ridiculous Nonsense,” tautology (from the Greek tauto, the same) means “to speak the same.”

‘Fess up, you do it every day. When you use “personal opinion” or “consensus of opinion,” you are a tautologist. You are using words that mean the same thing. Drop off one of the words and you lose exactly nothing. I bet you could find 50 examples in this newspaper, if you are done with your cereal.

Think about it.

Armed gunman. Are there unarmed gunmen? Good Samaritan. Have you met a bad Samaritan?

Kallan has a million of them.

Close relative. Deliberate lie. False pretense. Violent explosion. (Look for that one on the front page.) Stupid idiot. (Have you ever met a smart one?)

Think about courts. Convicted felon. I bet that one is in this paper somewhere, too. What about a self-confessed, convicted felon? Too many people are strangled to death. Too many “unsubstantiated allegations” appear in court news. How about hired mercenary or forcible rape?

There are a few sports tautologies, too. What about frozen tundra of the Green Bay Packers stadium? All tundra is frozen. What about monetary fines after those bean-ball episodes? How about all those seasoned veterans in the ball club?

Here is one you have seen 100 times. Original founder. How about personal friend? I know you have used that 222 times. You have used famous celebrity, too. I know you have. (I know I have.)

Here are two. Disappear from view and laugh-out-loud funny.

What about follow after and repeat again? Guilty. And guilty. Alternative choice? You will hear or see that in the next seven days. I promise. Look for it.

Every Western worth its salt has some sidekick circle around back while the hero draws the black hat’s fire. We all know women with past history. We don’t seem to care much about men’s history, past or future.

Easter Sunday is hardly ever on Wednesday. It hardly ever rains inside – except when the Cobb Manor roof leaks – so raining outside qualifies as tautology.

Close proximity. I bet you have used that 462 times.

Is there such a thing as an unscheduled appointment?

Up in the sky was used in the Superman intro, but that’s no excuse.

Every obituaries page has “married to his wife” or “married to her husband.” Every recipe has directions to add together ingredients.

How many reports on ESP have used the phrase “mental telepathy”?

Listen to our boy Kallan, who – pay attention – chairs the communication department at California Polytechnic Institute in his spoof on our weakness.

“Although at times I felt isolated by myself, writing this book has become the realization of a dream come true. As I, myself, look back in retrospect, I personally never gave up hope that it would someday be my lasting legacy. I envision actively engaged readers developing the automatic habit of using [the book] 365 days a year as part and parcel of their regular routine.

“I will dedicate myself to exposing specific examples of tautological abuse and eradicating them for our planet Earth,” the author states.

Classic.

Tautology.

You have been warned.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.