Ticking off goodies on the Powerball list

Our friends in the Boy Scouts advise us to “be prepared.”

So I spent an inordinate amount of time preparing to spend my lottery winnings.

I have spent enough money on lottery tickets to pay for a small house. It seems just a matter of time before it pays off.

To people who laugh at my profligate ways (10 Powerball tickets if it goes over $100 million), I say, “You can’t win if you don’t get in.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get caught flat-footed when that big check comes in. (I will opt for the one lump sum in lieu of annual payments, since I have precious few Groundhog Days remaining.)

Aiding me in this quest is that beacon of consumerism, Men’s Journal magazine. Apparently a lot of other people are planning to win my lottery, too, judging by the persistent “You gotta have this” theme of the magazine.

In the March issue, the editors of MJ list the “America Classics” that the cool person simply must have. Certainly they are intended for us lottery winners because no one else could afford these classics.

You probably never heard of Confederate Motorcycles.

Southern lawyer Matt Chambers had such a good idea of mounting a motorcycle engine on a frame that he had it patented and left the bar. (No jokes, please.) Since these screamers are all hand-built, the company builds a mere 60 carbon fiber machines a year in its New Orleans factory.

I haven’t had a motorcycle since someone in California gave me a Puch 250, just to be nice. Well, after motoring that beast through the Oakland hills for a few weeks, I was willing to give the sputtering monster to someone else, just to be nice.

The Confederate F124 Hellcat is at the top of the lottery list for a mere $61,800. I would have to hire an armed guard to protect it, while I dine at Fitzpatrick’s on my Red Sox winnings.

I now pilot a very simple Manteo Kayak, purchased from Ducktrap Kayak in Lincolnville. Not good enough. When that big check comes, I will need a Klepper folding kayak, like those used by the U.S. Army Special Forces. Put that on American Express, please, for a mere $3,000.

You can’t have too many flashlights (I have a dozen) or knives. When that Powerball check clears Bangor Savings Bank, I will put in the order for an S.R. Johnson handmade model from the Utah firm. You never know when you might have to perform an emergency tracheotomy (are there any other kind?) on your guide on the Allagash. A mere $800.

Of all the things I do poorly (long list), numero uno is golfing. I can throw a golf ball a longer distance than I can hit it with a golf club. Since I live a 5 iron shot from the Goose River golf club and I have more time on my hands than Scott Peterson, I think it is high time I took up the sport, so I can have twilight colas on the 19th hole with Chum Berry, the club champion.

I will follow the MJ recommendations and order a custom set of McGregors for a mere $8,000. Mostly I will just drive around with them in my back seat, and won’t people be some impressed.

Like many photographers who have become addicted to Nikon cameras over the years, I have been trying to justify moving to digital process. But the $1,000 price on a Nikon D70 is too rich for my anemic blood, since I do about one wedding a year.

But when that Powerball check comes, we will leave those puny Nikons (ptui!) behind and move up to a few Leicas. MJ calls them “the Porsches of photography,” and who are we to argue? We millionaires can custom design our own Mp or M7 model, choosing a special finish, body covering, viewfinder and image framing lines, a process which takes five weeks. A lousy $3,500. Might as well get two, since one of them certainly will be dropped overboard from the yacht Daybreak.

The money is getting low so I must order the $3,795 Indian Point canoe, made to your specifications from red cedar or the “futuristic” fiberglass or Kevlar. Imagine the first time you smash into the rocks at Little Falls on the St. Croix River in a $3,795 canoe.

I can’t wait to get that check, so I can start ordering. Who else could buy these things but magazine editors and Powerball millionaires?

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.