In theaters

MR. & MRS. SMITH, directed by Doug Liman, written by Simon Kinberg, 112 minutes, rated PG-13.

So, here’s the thing about the new Doug Liman movie, “Mr. & Mrs. Smith.” It’s big, flashy, predictable and empty, its plot is trash, and yet it’s the biggest screen orgasm of the year. They should offer private screenings of the movie, if only so audiences can enjoy the film in ways that the director and stars obviously intended.

Right now, there is no hotter screen couple than Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Forget the manufactured schlock of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes; the only way those dullards could redeem themselves is if they decided to remake the movie that was made for them – “Lolita.” In the meantime, here’s a suggestion for them: Before they make another swooning public appearance that leaves some of us revisiting our breakfasts, perhaps they should have a look at “Smith” and learn a few things.

Onscreen, Pitt and Jolie have something that transcends performance and goes deeper than chemistry; they’re the real deal. As rote as their roles are in this movie, it’s clear from the first moment we see them as John and Jane Smith – a bored, supernaturally sexy husband and wife in the bickering throes of marriage counseling – that they like each other plenty and have come to have fun.

A lot of fun. No wonder poor Jennifer Aniston pulled a Bagger Vance and hit the road running from former husband Pitt when “Smith” was in production. She must have seen in person what the rest of us see now. When it comes to celluloid, Pitt and Jolie are made for each other.

In the film, John and Jane are unhappy at home, but having plenty of adventure in their professional lives, which neither knows about.

Jane thinks John works construction with his friend Eddie (Vince Vaughn); John thinks Jane slaves in the corporate world. Thing is, both are hired assassins with dozens of hits to their credit. When they are hired to kill each other – they work at rival agencies – it’s viewed by each as an opportunity to be done with a marriage long since dead.

Throughout the film, Jolie delivers a performance rife with bared teeth, flared nostrils and haughty tosses of her hair. But what teeth, what hair – and what a toss. As for Pitt, he’s at the point in his career where he’s at last comfortable in his skin, with his popular ticks and quirks now boiled down to nuance.

Going into the movie, it would be foolish to ask too much of it. As fun as it would have been to see George and Martha from “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” armed with rocket launchers, pistols and caustic mouthfuls of hate, that’s hardly the case here. Neither does the movie have the bite of, say, Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner as Oliver and Barbara Rose in 1989’s “The War of the Roses.”

“Smith” is more impersonal, never as dark. Much of it feels like a screwball collaboration between Benetton and Prada. In spite of what its title suggests, the movie’s interest isn’t in relationships. It’s in style, which gets to the heart of why the film is so emotionally cold but nevertheless so entertaining to watch.

Grade: B

On video and DVD

HITCH, directed by Andy Tennant, written by Kevin Bisch, 119 minutes, rated PG-13.

“Hitch” stars Will Smith as a consort of sorts for the dating challenged, those awkward souls who have never learned the art of winning someone’s heart, no matter how hard they try.

Smooth and irresistible, his clothes as tailored as his smile, Hitch has the hookup, all right. After years of making his own mistakes with women and surviving a broken heart, he has pulled a Mel Gibson and learned what women want. Now it’s his business to tell men what women want. With one exception, his clients are mostly a well-meaning group of men finding it difficult to have a successful dating life in Manhattan.

The film is Smith’s first romantic comedy, and he pulls it off seamlessly, making his role look deceptively easy as the story unfolds with the addition of Albert (Kevin James), a chubby wreck of a junior executive who is in love with Allegra (Amber Valletta), an allegedly unobtainable heiress who happens to be Albert’s boss.

Complicating matters is Hitch’s own budding relationship with Sara (Eva Mendes), a steely newspaper gossip columnist whose job it is to write about people like Allegra. Since Allegra and Albert don’t exactly make sense to the outside world, Sara takes notice, and the film’s plot forms a noose, with everyone here eventually having their necks stuck through it in ways that won’t be revealed here.

The first two-thirds of “Hitch” are the movie at its best. They’re fun and brisk, gently guided by formula until the third act succumbs to it. All of the actors are well-paired, with Smith and Mendes playing characters just hardened enough by life to be interesting and compatible; Smith and James forming a brotherly bond that’s natural, not forced; and James and Valletta somehow fitting together in spite of a world that would prefer they didn’t fit at all.

Upon its February release, “Hitch” was marketed as “the cure for the common man,” as if men were a virus. While that’s certainly true for one of the film’s characters, the movie doesn’t demonize men so much as it tries to understand them and nurture them.

Dating is difficult. Relationships can be tough. “Hitch” wants to be the Band-Aid that heals the wound.

Grade: B

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays in the Discovering section and Fridays in the Happening section, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.