Rodriguez’s ‘Sharkboy and Lavagirl’ disappoints immensely

In theaters

THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, directed by Robert Rodriguez, written by Robert Rodriguez and Marcel Rodriguez, 94 minutes, rated PG.

Robert Rodriguez’s “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D,” from a script inspired by his 7-year-old son, Racer Max, is bogus, low-tech dreck.

Even if you didn’t know going into the film that it was conceived by a child, you’d likely sense something was askew the moment the movie detoured into the Land of Milk and Cookies, for instance, or Planet Drool. Along the way, we also literally plunge into the Stream of Consciousness, the Train of Thought and finally – appropriately – into the Sea of Confusion.

As directed by Rodriguez, whose “Spy Kids” series was so good and whose recent movie, “Sin City,” stands tall as one of this year’s more imaginative films, “Sharkboy and Lavagirl” is remedial and repetitive, a simpering hive of connect-the-dot chaos that is hell to sit through. It goes nowhere, it’s dull, the acting is subpar, and the special effects, if you can call them that, appear to have been purchased at Dollar Tree.

In the film, sensitive, 10-year-old Max (Cayden Boyd) is being bullied at school by the repellent Linus (Jacob Davich), who has stolen his coveted Dream Journal in which Max has chronicled his summer friendships with superheroes Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner) and Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley).

Word on the jungle gym is that Max is screwy, but not so fast. He is soon vindicated when Sharkboy and Lavagirl storm into his classroom and steal him away to fight the good fight on Planet Drool. Apparently, his dreams are needed to conquer the evil of Mr. Electric (George Lopez), who wants – oh, I don’t know – to rule the universe. Or something like that.

Those who believe you need to be a kid to appreciate the film’s “simple pleasures” are dumbing down the majority of children, who have seen better story lines and character development in video games, and who know when they’re being conned, as they are here. At my screening, one glance around the theater confirmed that most of us – all smartly decked out in our 3-D Dame Edna eyewear – were being lulled into a coma.

Still, it’s more than a weak story line that sandbags “Sharkboy.” What truly sinks it are its 3-D elements, which are so flat and murky, they make long stretches of the movie unwatchable. The art of 3-D has always been a gimmick – albeit a fun gimmick when used properly, such as in James Cameron’s current IMAX movie, “Aliens of the Deep,” which uses the sort of state-of-the-art technology “Sharkboy” doesn’t have, or with the pure camp of, say, “Friday the 13th Part 3: 3-D,” in which Jason’s impressive array of flatware frequently flays the audience.

But in “Sharkboy,” it’s just distracting and unnecessary. The 3-D technology employed here actually peels away dimension, leaving in its wake a hollow movie about dreams that really, in the end, are just building blocks for a cinematic nightmare.

Grade: D-

On video and DVD

MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUS, directed by John Pasquin, written by Marc Lawrence, 100 minutes, rated PG-13.

“Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous” would undoubtedly like to be considered absolutely fabulous, but it doesn’t live up to its title. “Armed with a Few Laughs” would come closer to the mark. “Amputated by a Weak Script” would nail it.

The film is a sequel to 2000’s “Miss Congeniality,” a slight, funny comedy in which Sandra Bullock’s mannish FBI agent Gracie Hart was forced to tart herself up in order to thwart a terrorist plot at the Miss United States pageant.

The running joke was that gruff, graceless Gracie could do her job only if she competed in the pageant, which demanded the sort of refinery and polished beauty that seemed out of Gracie’s reach.

This time out, the action picks up three weeks after the last movie left off, with Gracie reeling after being dumped by her beau, Eric Matthews, and having to conquer several new challenges in her life, such as sudden fame and her own ego.

As the new, fresh-faced poster child for the FBI, this Gracie has assistants to tend to her clothes, hair and makeup, a best-selling book based on her life, a thriving career on the talk-show circuit, fans to spare and no time for the little people.

It’s a stretch to believe that our Gracie could become so self-involved so quickly, and the movie suffers from the disconnect. Still, the story picks up when the winner of the Miss United States pageant (Heather Burns) and its emcee (William Shatner) are kidnapped by a group of thugs demanding a ransom. It’s an event that leads Gracie and her glittering entourage to Las Vegas, where she and her FBI nemesis, Sam (Regina King), must enter a drag act in full regalia so they can get to the bottom of the case.

There are problems here, starting with the loss of Candice Bergen, whose pluck from the first film is missed, and Michael Caine, who has been replaced by a ridiculously gay stereotype played by Dietrich Bader. The movie also is too long, with a sweet-as-soot closing manufactured to put dimples in our cheeks. It doesn’t.

Still, Bullock is Bullock and that’s almost enough. Along with King, she’s working hard here, pressing against mediocrity to create a worthwhile diversion for her fans.

They’ll appreciate the effort.

Grade: C+

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays and Fridays in Style, Weekends in Television, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.