What do a lovestruck movie star, an imprisoned former dictator and an ex-model-groupie have in common?

Whether it’s Tom Cruise trumpeting his love for new fiancee Katie Holmes, or Saddam Hussein spouting off his idea of the perfect woman, or Jerry Hall putting a group of men through their paces to find herself a new boy toy, they’ve all revived the concept of a “kept” loved one. In each case, however, the concept runs from empowering to silly to a bit disturbing.

If you’re not familiar with the concept of a kept man, here’s my loose take on it. I’ve always thought of a kept man as a walker or an escort, someone a woman could call on for a date when the occasion warrants, and definitely something for the wealthy. In a way, it’s kind of sweet. Say a widow or divorcee wants to go to a party or opening or Wednesday night at the symphony and wants company. She might call a gentleman to escort her.

We can take it down a few pegs for ourselves from the rich stuff to something we do. Who hasn’t called a friend to escort them somewhere – say, a party or the movies – just because we didn’t want to go alone. I know plenty of people who would never do things like that by themselves.

Jerry Hall, ex-wife of Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger, is seeking a man and has turned to television to find him. Hall is the star of the VH1 show “Kept.”

Although this is a reality show, and by rule I do not watch reality shows except for the Victoria Gotti show, American Chopper and Discovery Channel’s Deadliest Catch (OK, so I watch a few), I love what Jerry is doing. The show is about what Jerry wants. No, she’s not the Jerry Hall of Studio 54 disco days, and she seems to be into that Madonna affected British accent – you can hardly hear the Texas drawl in her voice – but she’s still striking and she goes to the kind of social affairs we’ll never get a sniff at, so why shouldn’t she have a well-trained boy at her side?

Hall puts the “Kept” candidates through what amounts to a boot camp of poise and glamour until, in the traditional reality competition formula, she comes up with one guy she can keep. In a recent episode, she even put the boys through a fake press conference, with the contestants scrutinized for the ability to stay calm under the glare of the cameras.

If I were Jerry, I would worry more about her winner feeling too comfortable with the media. Who wants to be upstaged by your own kept man?

Which brings us to Saddam, who still believes women are the ones who should be kept, according to a recent article published in the magazine GQ.

These days, Saddam happens to be a kept man, although he’s being kept in a jail cell. Apparently, Saddam made some chitchat with the American soldiers guarding the former Iraqi president. Seems he’s crazy about Cheetos and Doritos but doesn’t like Froot Loops. He also gave the guards some romantic advice.

“He was like, ‘You gotta find a good woman. Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. One that can cook and clean,”‘ the soldier, Spc. Sean O’Shea of Minooka, Pa., told GQ as related by The Associated Press.

“Then he smiled, made what O’Shea interpreted as a ‘spanking’ gesture, laughed and went back to doing his laundry in the sink,” the article continued.

Pity. Saddam, who would like a woman to do all the cooking and cleaning, is now forced to wash his own clothes. Oh, the soldiers also mentioned that Saddam was a “clean freak” who uses diaper wipes to clean meal trays, utensils and the table before he eats. What do you expect from a guy who doesn’t like Froot Loops?

Tom Cruise actually played a kept man, although it was a brief couple of scenes, in the 1988 movie “Cocktail.”

Flash forward to 2005 and all the gossip about Cruise and Katie Holmes.

The wacky declarations of love on Oprah aside (because I think we’re all just jealous Tom Cruise hasn’t jumped up on a couch to proclaim his adoration for us), all the rumors about the newly engaged couple are kind of creepy. Supposedly she’s taking Scientology classes and she’s slowing down her own work schedule to be with him.

There’s nothing wrong with exploring a new religion and changing focus, but Katie Holmes is a young up-and-comer who hasn’t established herself in movies yet – but seemed well on her way. Let’s hope that if Katie turns into Tom’s kept woman, she can at least be her own kept woman.

How to find me online

I’ve had a couple of e-mails from friends and family wondering where I’ve disappeared to on the Bangor Daily News’ Internet site, www.bangornews.com.

I’m here to say, I’ve found myself! To read “Single File,” click “Well-Being” on the left side of the home page and then click “Single File” across the top.

Jessica Bloch can be reached at jbloch@bangordailynews.net.