Do you hear what I hear?

I hope not, because I can’t hear a thing.

I apparently live in what stereo pros and Stephen King refer to as a “dead zone.” And I’m not talking about the nightlife. No, my dead zone is a rare phenomenon in which one can’t get reception on a satellite radio. It hardly ever happens, I’ve been assured by tech support, vendors and friends who have one. But it happened to ShopGuy and me, and we’re devastated.

It all started innocently enough. A few months ago, ShopGuy raved about a friend’s satellite radio. Said it was better than cable (OK, we don’t watch much TV, so this may not ring true for everyone). For once, I had a foolproof birthday gift idea.

I spent weeks trying to decide between XM and Sirius. Though they’re fairly similar – both offer more than 120 channels. Both are commercial-free. Both have left-wing, right-wing and religious talk, comedy programming, a huge range of musical options including concerts and artist interviews. And both have my favorite, ESPN Radio. Components for both are similar, but not the same – you can get car kits and in-dash installations, home kits, boom boxes, portable players. The receivers start around $100 and can reach close to $300, depending on what you choose.

There are a few distinct differences, however.

XM has Major League Baseball – and unless you’re actually at Fenway, nothing beats listening to the Sox on the radio. But I can do that without a satellite. It has MTV and VH-1 stations. A subscription costs $9.99 a month, plus an extra $1.99 or $2.99 for adult programming.

Sirius broadcasts play-by-play of NFL, NHL (well, in theory anyway) and NBA games. It has two NPR stations and Public Radio International, as well as Radio Disney and Court TV Plus. Howard Stern is coming to Sirius, and there’s a station with music selected by Eminem, which ShopGuy found very appealing. It costs $12.95 a month with no extra charges.

It’s pretty much a wash, but in the end, I chose Sirius. Best Buy had a $50 rebate on the Starmate model, which was the one I wanted, so it ended up costing me only $50. Circuit City in Bangor also has a great selection of satellite radio products and the staff there is helpful and knowledgeable about the products. Radio Shack carries Sirius components, and I ended up buying my second home kit there for $40 (we’ll get to the first one later). A wide range of options is available at www.xmradio.com and www.sirius.com. Rebate aside, the prices are comparable no matter where you buy.

The home kit was essential – ShopGuy isn’t on the road much, but he loves listening to music on his new speakers at home. But when we tried to set it up at home, we got nothing. Not even an irritating buzzing noise. I called tech support. The rep told me to bring the antenna outside. No dice. I called again and he told me to return it, so I did.

The salesman at Best Buy informed me that a faulty antenna is a fairly common problem. It must be, because the store had no more antennas, so I headed to Radio Shack and picked up another. This one worked, sort of. I had to drag the wire across the living room floor and stick the antenna out the window. We had reception for about five minutes. Then the wind blew. Nothing.

Here’s what they don’t tell you about satellite radio: depending on which model you choose and where you live, you may need to place the antenna either outdoors or in a window, in Sirius’ case, a west-facing window. Depending on where the rest of your stereo resides, you could end up with an ugly cable running across your living room floor, up the wall, out your window and in the yard. Oh, and XM and Sirius both charge you a $10-$15 activation fee, which isn’t a big deal, but still. In the end, we decided it was too much of a hassle and brought the whole thing back.

If I wanted a car system, this wouldn’t have been a problem at all. Don’t get me wrong, I still love satellite radio. And one salesman informed me that dead zones happen very rarely (good reception everywhere is the point, after all). He also said buying a more expensive receiver wouldn’t affect the reception a bit – calls to Sirius to confirm this were not returned by press time. He mentioned a booster, which you can order online, but there was that whole pesky cable issue.

Too bad, because satellite radio truly can be music to your ears. Just not mine.

ShopNotes

If you’re going to Bar Harbor this weekend, expect a traffic jam on Route 3 for a Down East country fair and the opening of “The Boutique” (a k a the Waste Not, Want Not Shop) at the Church of Our Father in Hulls Cove. The thrift shop features a rack of high-end clothing referred to as Saks Route 3. It will open at 9 a.m. After the fair, the shop reopens in mid-August and is open from 9 to noon Saturdays continuing throughout the summer.

ShopGirl would love to hear from you! Send questions, comments or suggestions by e-mail to: kandresen@bangordailynews.net, by U.S. mail to: Kristen Andresen, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor, ME 04402-1329, or by fax to: 941-9476. Tune in to ShopGirl at 5 p.m. Fridays on WLBZ-2.

Sirius

. 120-plus stations

. $12.95 a month

. Howard Stern coming in January

. 2 NPR stations, Public Radio International

. NFL, NHL and NBA play-by-play

. Shade 45, with Shady’s uncut hip-hop (Eminem)

XM

. 130-plus stations

. $9.95 a month; adult channels cost $1.99-$2.99 more per month

. Major League Baseball play-by-play

. MTV Radio, VH-1 Radio

. Playboy radio and shock-jocks Opie & Anthony

. XM Live with concerts and special events