Improving your life is easy as $1, $2, $3

Back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, Esquire magazine was the raciest publication around. It had some of the best fiction available, I am told. I can remember my World War II vintage uncles reading Esquire, slowing for the “cheesecake” shot of the latest starlet.

Naturally, I had to follow suit.

Today Esquire – motto: man at his best – has been left behind by such seamy-steamy mags like Hustler and the genteel (by comparison) Playboy.

Wither Esquire?

It has taken up the “gotta-have-it” push of the new century.

In the August edition, the magazine gives us the Esquire Ten, extolling “the power of things.” These top ten objects, the magazine swears, have “the power to enhance the quality of your life by at least 10 percent.”

Ten times 10 percent. That would make 100 percent, right?

In order to make all those important appointments, like Tony Kornheiser at 5:30 p.m. and Jon Stewart at 11 p.m., No. 10 is the Montblanc Timewalker GMT, “more than 25 percent larger than your neighbor’s Rolex.” I don’t know where those editors live but my neighbors don’t even have watches, let alone Rolexes.

A mere $3,100.

Some of us wear sneakers only when we are not wearing sandals, all year long. But in order to improve our lives, we should get a pair of handmade shoes from Amedeo Testoni, which uses exclusive “norvegese” sewing technique with stitches on the outside of the shoe. Only $1,500 (or $750 a shoe), and don’t scuff those babies.

For your next contradance, Esquire offers the Ralph Lauren tuxedo, for only $1,995, and don’t spill any Conte’s Restaurant sauce on this one. The tux includes “slim silhouettes, high armholes, narrow sleeves and an aura of sixties” – year, not age – “cool.” Esquire says you can wear the jacket with jeans, too, for those more casual events.

How are you going to get to that barbecue? If you are going to improve the quality of your life, you will slam down the dirt road in a Ford Shelby Cobra GT500, only $39,000. Say 450 horses and “goodbye” to your license.

Or, you could take the healthful route and opt for the Eddy Merckx MXM bicycle. This one has hand-layered, aerospace-grade carbon fiber and Kevlar, or “two wheels of pure adrenaline.” It better. The MXM will set you back $8,500. Better get a bike lock, too.

Makes the Shelby Cobra look like a sensible investment.

The next time you are passing through Hawke Bay, New Zealand, Esquire suggests a round at Cape Kidnapper’s Golf Course. That’s a mere 18-hour flight from Auckland, you will remember. Greens fees are $210-$280. No word on airfare.

Hey! You want to improve that shabby life, or not?

All right, then. Try a Borrelli’s Sea Island cotton shirt, “the most rewarding item of clothing a man can own.” (Try an All Conditions parka from Bean’s in an Allagash rainstorm.) If you can believe it, these are “hand-stitched by one of 50 Neapolitan seamstresses to fit like a glove,” for only $520. Wait until you spill mustard from your hot dog on your Borrelli.

Your life will remain in tatters until you pick up a Hermes (No Oprahs, please) Sac a Depeches briefcase for $4,500.

You should take all of this overpriced crap to Rome, where you will stay at the Hotel Hassler (not Hustler) with matchless views and guests like the clearly insane Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, or John and Jackie Kennedy. Views include the Borgese Gardens and St. Peter’s Basilica. No word on room rates. But you can’t place a price on improving your life.

It better be improving dramatically, because your last chance is No. 1, the $1,995 (starting to sound cheap) Zegna Micronsphere suit. You can pick up this number on a walk from the Hotel Hassler in Rome to enjoy its “luxurious, technologically advanced wool.” How advanced can wool be?

If your life still sucks, don’t blame me. Or Esquire.

We told you so.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.