‘Must Love Dogs’ deserves to be dumped

In theaters

MUST LOVE DOGS, written and directed by Gary David Goldberg, based on the novel by Claire Cook, 98 minutes, PG-13.

The new romantic comedy from Perfectmatch.com – sorry, from writer-director Gary David Goldberg – is “Must Love Dogs,” which has to be one of the more peculiar titles going for a movie aimed at single women.

I mean, think of it. Should its core audience be having esteem issues when it comes to the dating scene, and who can blame them given the increasingly bizarre world of Internet dating, the title could be a wee bit misinterpreted. Must love dogs, you say? “Go to hell” could be the reply. The film, which Goldberg based on Claire Cook’s book, is essentially one big, splashy advertisement for Perfectmatch.com, whose site not only touts the movie, but also the helpful advice of grinning relationship guru Dr. Pepper Schwartz, whose set face suggests she knows a few things about disappointing first dates and the exclusive Total Compatibility System called Duet, which allegedly “helps people like you find each other and fall in love on the deepest level.”

The deepest level? For a movie as generic and as shallow as “Dogs,” the irony, you could say, begins here. This lazily conceived movie wouldn’t be much without the strength of its cast, which saves it from the string of cliches that would have buried it, had its energetic performances and occasional lines of inspired dialogue not lifted it.

The movie stars Diane Lane as Sarah Nolan, a preschool teacher dumped by her husband because “he just stopped loving me.” Is that even possible given that Lane is portrayed here as a woman so absolutely deserving of love? When Lane delivers the line, she stares into the camera as if she doesn’t quite believe it herself. After all, Sarah is smart, sensitive and sexy. How can she also be alone, alone, alone? Whatever the reason, here we have a vibrant woman in her late 30s whose Irish family, spearheaded by lovably manipulative sisters Carol (Elizabeth Perkins) and Christine (Ali Hillis) and father Bill (Christopher Plummer), is eager to get her hooked up with a man. Call it family pimping, but Sarah’s family is determined to fill whatever, ahem, womanly needs she might have.

Her choices run the gantlet of every creep on the Internet, with one notable exception. That would be Jake (John Cusak), a recently divorced boat builder who is so sensitive, so absolutely pure of soul, he cries during “Dr. Zhivago.” Obviously, he’s the one, but not so fast. Complicating matters is Bob Connor (Dermot Mulroney), a newly separated stud whose son Sarah teaches at school. Which man is her man? There’s only one way to find out, so Sarah dates them both on the sly, which generates so many complications, this romantic triangle eventually feels more like a romantic hexagon.

Stockard Channing, back to comedy, is excellent as Bill’s girlfriend, Dolly. Her character does for “Dogs” what Francis Fisher’s character did for “The Laws of Attraction.” She’s here to offer age and experience, to be brassy and fun while offering stunning moments of clarity. Like this movie, she’s cheap and lovable, exhausted by the situations but dependable in every one of them.

Grade: C+

On video and DVD

BOLERO, written and directed by John Derek, 105 minutes, rated R.

Pure summer camp. One of the worst movies of its kind, but in the best sense, particularly if you have a mind for this sort of thing. Released in 1984 and now available on DVD, this howler is soft-core porn with 28-year-old Bo Derek as a high school graduate traveling through Morocco and Spain on a quest to lose her virginity under swank conditions. It’s the 1920s and everybody’s happy, so her character, Ayre MacGillivery, at least has the times on her side. First, she tries to bed a sheik. The attempt – how to put this delicately – falls flat. Then she goes for broke with a robust bullfighter named Angel, who smolders in bed before getting gored in the one place Ayre has the most interest.

Poor Ayre. When it comes to getting some action, she just can’t seem to get a break.

Neither can good ol’ Bo. With husband John Derek directing, Bo is a bit old for the part, but the way she enunciates her lines suggests that Ayre might have been held back in school a decade or so, so it works. Kind of. The acting and the dialogue are atrocious. The sex was graphic for the times – it caused a sensation – but now it’s just body parts and oil, nothing an R rating can’t handle.

The movie is recommended – and graded – only for those who enjoy the occasional cinematic train wreck. For them, this is a party movie, in which friends gather for the fun of an unintended comedy. Big laughs all around, lots of finger pointing at the screen. As for those who aren’t into this sort of thing, they would do well to look elsewhere for satisfying stories about impotent sheiks, neutered bullfighters and the dimwitted babes who love them.

Grade: B

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays in Discovering, Fridays in Happening, Weekends in Television, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.