Consider the following wholly humorous notes on hymns

They say that there are three Christian hymns which, if sung loudly, daily and with sufficient fervor, will virtually guarantee one’s physical health, emotional well-being and spiritual blessing. Unfortunately, no one has yet discovered what those three hymns are.

The Bible does make it clear that true peace will result only from placing one’s trust in God (Isaiah 26:3), and that real joy is exclusively sourced in Jesus (John 15:11). Nevertheless, hymn-singing can be helpful in appropriating those principles.

From personal experience and local reports, some of which are probably best viewed with a healthy dose of skepticism, I’ve discovered that traditional church hymnody is sometimes the intriguing composition of good intent and happenstance.

Consider the following examples:

. At a Methodist church in Washington County, the pastor had just completed a message titled “Faith in the Nuclear Age.” He said: “Our hope should be in God’s strength, not military arsenals or weapons of destruction.” Unfortunately, the closing hymn that morning was “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”

. A priest in Bangor was passionately defending the doctrine of celibacy in his morning homily. Much too late he discovered that the printed program listed the closing hymn as, “No, Never Alone.”

. The Sunday bulletin in a Penobscot County Episcopal church read as follows: “The Rector will preach his farewell message at 11 a.m., after which the choir will sing, ‘Praises Be to God on High.'”

. Earlier this year I was the guest speaker in a church that sang a rousing chorus of “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus” just as I was introduced. You should know that I’ve been confined to a wheelchair for 20 years. It was a pretty awkward moment.

. A Christian weight-watching group in the Ellsworth area recently began its weekly meeting by singing the beloved Charles Wesley hymn, “And Can It Be That I Should Gain?” Not many seemed to notice the incongruity. But quite a few became upset when they selected the next hymn: “A Mighty Fortress.”

. At a Christian church in Corinna, the minister had preached overtime. People were getting restless, so he decided to cut two verses from the final hymn. The final hymn’s title? “Take Time to be Holy.”

. Last year at the Samoset Resort in Rockport, they say that a convention of faith-filled dentists was heard singing, over and over again, “Crown Him with Many Crowns.”

. The congregation of a Pentecostal church not far from Belfast numbers in the 20s. Their favorite hymn? “O For a Thousand Tongues.” It’s uncertain whether that melodic aspiration is a reference to charismata or church growth.

. There’s a small Baptist church not far from Newport. One Sunday the program read: “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

. A woman once approached me personally after the Sunday church service. “Why, pastor,” she said, “It’s just really amazing that you’ve decided to join the choir. Why, your voice is so mellow!” I was feeling pretty good about that comment until I got home and looked up the word “mellow.” The dictionary said it meant: “Ripe to the point of being almost rotten.”

. At a fundamental church in Aroostook County the pastor spent a full hour intoning against New Age religion. “Avoid tarot cards, crystals, seances and psychics,” he warned. “No compromising. Don’t even try to strike a happy medium.” Then the congregation proceeded with the closing hymn: “Make Me a Channel of Blessing.”

. Location: Greater Orono. Church: First Unigational Assembly of Reformed Methobapterians. The Rev. Howie Perrs had just dealt with the subject of gossip. The final hymn and chorus were announced: “Tell Me the Old, Old Story” and “Pass It On.”

. One Sunday this past May, at a Bible-preaching church in Sangerville, they sang, “There Shall Be Showers of Blessing.” For the next two weeks it rained without ceasing. The following Sunday folks really balked when they noticed that the opening hymn was No. 436: “Whiter Than Snow.”

. A tailor by trade once told me that he was sitting in church on a Sunday morning, trying to prepare his mind for worship. He said that he became badly distracted when they began singing, “Holy, Holy, Holy.”

. Something similar evidently happened to an avid golfer in a Dexter congregation when the soloist lyricized, “There is a Green Hill Far Away.”

If this summertime column hasn’t really struck a chord with you, well – stay tuned. I hope to return next month on a more serious note.

The Rev. Daryl E. Witmer is founder and director of the AIIA Institute, a national apologetics ministry, and associate pastor of the Monson Community Church. He may be reached via AIIAInstitute@aol.com or through ChristianAnswers.Net/AIIA. Voices is a weekly commentary by Maine people who explore issues affecting spirituality and religious life.