Every so often, I think about getting off this dog food diet and getting … a job.

It is a horrible thought, I must admit, but my Amazon.com habit needs monthly financing and Social Security can only stretch so far.

When the bills get a bit too much and the Coca-Cola bottle returns simply are not enough, I peruse the want ads, when I simply must.

There are plenty of jobs. But I seem to lack qualifications for them all.

Look at this one. Auto body person wanted. That doesn’t sound too hard. But the ad says “own tools, self motivated. Ability to paint a must.”

Forget it.

I have no tools, for my own safety. A couple of hammers, sure, mostly articles left by previous tenants. Nothing with an electrical plug. Self-motivated? I have been accused of many things in many places. Never have I been accused of being self-motivated.

Let’s keep reading.

Here’s one for a billing assistant. Like being the governor of Texas, how hard could that be? Read on. “Must have knowledge of surgical billing, accounts receivable, transcription, MS Office, etc.” Are they kidding?

Here’s one for a dispatcher. I could do that. Maybe not. They want a “self-motivated, career minded person.” No, no and no.

Keep reading.

Here’s one for a production position. Surely, even I can do that. Maybe not. They want an applicant to be “self starter and be able to work with a minimum of supervision.” No and no.

Here’s one for working in the blueberry industry. I can do that. Ooops. They want someone “experienced in low temperature refrigeration and ammonia systems.” Ammonia systems? I don’t think so. Sounds dangerous.

What about a part-time maintenance worker? Even I could do that, surely. “Should be experienced, responsible, good with people, and possess good work ethics.” Hey, one out of four isn’t bad.

I’ll keep scanning.

They want a cashier at a deli in Hermon. “Must be a team player.” That lets me out again.

There is an opening for a clerk in a Christian bookstore. Maybe not.

This other company is paying $16-$25 an hour, but they want “experienced dozer operators and pipe layers.” I have done a lot of dozing but I will leave the other one alone.

If I wanted to be an inventory auditor, I would have to exhibit “good working attitude.” Never happen.

I thought I had a job when I spotted the ad for “Freelance Opportunity.” Applicants will be “dressed as costume characters, wear dresses, sneakers and full masks that cover their heads.”

Sounds like fun.

I could do that. It would even improve my appearance. Nope. The ad also says workers “must wear a size 6-8 dress and a size 7-8 shoe.” I don’t know if I can bring my own XXX large dress, shoes and mask. Probably not.

Well, I have done all I can today by sweeping the want ads.

It looks like I will be back on the Ken-L-Ration.

Maybe some Gravy Train for the weekend

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.