Forget the ads for Bowflex. Forget the ads for Calvin Klein pants, Polo shirts and Gucci shoes. Forget that new (or even used) Porsche you want to buy just to impress the ladies.

You don’t need them.

Forget that Atkins diet, too.

If you can believe Playgirl magazine (I know I do), Cargo magazine (never heard of it) and the New York Daily News (maybe not), you need none of the above.

A poll conducted by Playgirl determined that women like men to be a little hairy and chubby.

I am golden.

The New York Daily News reported that among 2,000 readers of Playgirl, 42 percent said they thought love handles were sexy, while another 47 percent approved of chest hair.

I love this.

The magazine is on the hunt for a man who fits these criteria. I could be on a Times Square billboard.

I am close to stone broke, but that doesn’t matter anymore.

Just 4 percent of the women polled said a man’s wealth matters, while fully 73 percent preferred a man who is “rough around the edges.”

Bingo. I never put the seat down.

I am expecting Playgirl to call any moment.

“This survey shows that the guy who’s most attractive to our readers is not your average Hollywood hunk,” Playgirl editor Jill Sieracki told the Daily News. “It’s the average Joe who came out on top. ”

No snide comments, please.

Playgirl has pledged to find the man who most reflects survey results. The search is under way, and those guys who feel they have what it takes to be in a pictorial in a future issue of Playgirl can e-mail their photos to models@playgirlmag.com .

My pics are in.

Our friends at Cargo magazine asked 866 women about the sexiest clothing a man can wear (how come I never get assignments like that?). The overwhelming answer with 58 percent of the response was bluejeans and a T-shirt.

I have both, in abundance.

Another 19 percent prefer their guys in a stylish shirt and pants, and 17 percent say a suit and tie is best.

I have a few ties, but no suits.

According to Cargo and Playgirl, women like their guys “fat, hairy and dressed in jeans.”

I am a hunk.

I made the mistake of running all of this by Blue Eyes, the arbiter of all things.

“Don’t get your hopes up. Playgirl is not about to call.”

And I would like to meet the women who answered that survey.

“Buy a suit,” she said. “And put down the seat.”

I think that’s cruel.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.