In theaters

THE CAVE, directed by Bruce Hunt, written by Michael Steinberg and Tegan West, 97 minutes, rated PG-13.

Timing isn’t on the side of “The Cave,” but neither is its story, so let’s just seal the entrance to this baby now and be done with it.

This tepid horror movie from first-time director Bruce Hunt unintentionally recalls the recent real-life deaths of four spelunkers who drowned in a narrow, underwater passageway while traveling through a cave in Provo, Utah. Not exactly the press you want a week before going into theaters, but what can you do when that’s the press your movie courts?

The bad news extends to Michael Steinberg and Tegan West’s script, which finds in the dark reaches of the cave in question something equally unexpected – no, not Osama, but the vault in which Twentieth Century Fox apparently has been storing its “Alien” franchise.

There, Steinberg and West have pilfered liberally, hooking elements of those movies onto their movie. The result is a rip-off, complete with similar-looking beasts and similarly designed situations, the likes of which don’t exactly enjoy a similar outcome. Indeed, it’s safe to say that the air of “Alien” familiarity that hangs in “The Cave” does it no favors.

In the film, rock-jawed Cole Hauser is Jack, the humorless leader of a mission that leads several people into the Carpathian Mountains in search of a new ecosystem. Joining him are a melting pot of the world’s best-looking scientists, divers and documentarians, most of whom could have funded this entire expedition by ditching their clothing and putting out a calendar.

Joining Jack in Romania are his brother, Tyler (Eddie Cibrian), who smolders amid the stalagmites; a rock climber played by everyone’s favorite “Coyote Ugly,” Piper Perabo, who defies gravity in more ways than one; biologist Dr. Katherine Jennings (Lena Headey), who enjoys a brief flirtation with Tyler before the movie somehow forgets to consummate their relationship; as well as Morris Chestnut as Top Buchanan, whose name says it all for defining elements of his character.

Rounding out the crew are hot-head Briggs (Rick Ravanello), Strode (Kieran Darcy-Smith) and photographer Kim (Daniel Dae Kim). The odd duck here is the aging Dr. Nicolai (Marcel Iures), who looks like a real person (not a bonus), and who joins the rest of the team in essentially being bait for what comes next – the albino monsters, which have the ability to fly, swim, crawl, leap and feast with remarkable haste and bloodshed.

Ross Emery’s cinematography and Pier Luigi Basile’s set design are strong, but the movie is so rote, there’s never a question where it’s leading. Every one of its surprises are packaged. People get picked off, the screen shakes, monsters roar, the prettiest survive. The ending is especially a cheat, with no closure reached and thus only existing with the high hopes of setting up a sequel.

Should that happen, one can only imagine the gene pool from which those characters will emerge.

Grade: C-

On video and DVD

MONSTER-IN-LAW, directed by Robert Luketic, written by Anya Kochoff, 102 minutes, rated PG-13.

The broad comedy “Monster-in-Law” features Jane Fonda as Viola Fields, an internationally famous talk show host who isn’t exactly on the fast track to sainthood.

She’s a clawful.

As difficult as she is accomplished, as deadly as she is disarming, she’s a lethal woman whose less than desirable traits – a mean right hook to the jaw, a willingness to poison if things don’t go her way, motherly greed, toxic love, jealousy, hypocrisy, rage – come to a head when she loses her television show to a young upstart hired for her perkiness and youth.

For Viola, things worsen when her only son, Kevin (Michael Vartan), a doctor with the personality of a shrub, gives his heart to the sunniest of multitaskers. That would be Charlie Cantilini (Jennifer Lopez), a bright blast of struggling good cheer who does all sorts of things to hammer out a living. For instance, mid-30s Charlie spends her days walking dogs along the beach in her pigtails and short shorts while later she serves shrimp balls at swank parties without a trace of irony.

J.Lo is way out of her league here – she’s so banal, safe and out-classed by the rest of the cast, some might not even realize she’s in the movie until it’s half over. That’s due in large part to Fonda’s ferocious, go-for-broke performance, and to Wanda Sykes’ biting turn as Viola’s corrosive assistant, Ruby, whose job it is to observe the mayhem through cutting asides. These two came to have fun and to steal the show, which they do, neatly achieving a nuclear boil when Viola decides there’s no way in hell her son is going to marry Charlie.

As directed by Robert Luketic (“Legally Blonde”) from a script by Anya Kochoff, the film features a plot that’s as thin and as predictable as Lopez’s singing voice, and the story never is as dark as it should have been. Still, it does have its moments, particularly when Elaine Stritch shows up to level the landscape as Viola’s own evil monster-in-law.

Grade: B-

Christopher Smith is the Bangor Daily News film critic. His reviews appear Mondays in Discovering, Fridays in Happening, Weekends in Television, and are archived at RottenTomatoes.com. He may be reached at BDNFilm1@aol.com.

The Video-DVD Corner

Renting a video or a DVD? NEWS film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are grades of recent releases. Those in bold print are new to video stores this week.

Alexander – C

A Very Long Engagement – A

The Aviator – A

Bad Education – A

Beauty Shop – C-

Bride & Prejudice – B

The Brown Bunny – C

Constantine – C-

Crash – D

Cursed – C-

Cypher – C+

Darkness – D+

Diary of a Mad Black Woman – C-

A Dirty Shame – B

Ella Enchanted – B

Flight Of The Phoenix – C-

Guess Who – C+

Hammer Horror Series – A

Hide and Seek – C

Hostage – C-

House of Flying Daggers – A

Ice Princess – B-

The Incredibles – A

In Good Company – B+

Kinsey – A

Kung Fu Hustle – A

Ladder 49 – B

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou – D+

A Lot Like Love – D

Man of the House – C-

Meet the Fockers – C

Million Dollar Baby – A

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous – C+

Monster-in-Law – B-

Muppet Show: Season One – A

Napoleon Dynamite – B+

The Notebook – B+

Ocean’s Twelve – C-

The Pacifier – D+

Racing Stripes – C

Ray – A

The Ring Two – C-

Sahara – C-

The Sea Inside – A-

Sin City – A-