Squashing sacred cows

loading...

The spirit of the First Amendment and the freedom of the press is alive and well in Bar Harbor,” said David Einhorn. The Jackson Laboratory’s lawyer was chuckling over the latest issue of Summer Squash, Mount Desert Island’s alternative monthly newspaper, now celebrating its one-year anniversary.

“Lampooning the establishment is a great American tradition,” Einhorn said. “It is very refreshing and well-received in the community. I don’t hear many real complaints. I think it is received in the spirit in which it is published.

“The writing can be spotty but most is first-rate,” the Bar Harbor lawyer continued. “I am surprised that there are that many qualified writers in Bar Harbor.”

A typical issue will take umbrage at the wealth of summer residents: “… New Jersey used car magnate Bronson Maraschino arrived to open up his Seal Harbor home and take his Hinckley out of winter storage a full month before the date listed in Architectural Digest magazine.” Resentment about the scarcity and cost of temporary housing is a monthly staple.

The summer tourists get it bad in every issue, even during the winter. One issue actually claimed that “… people from Ohio clustered on the town pier repeatedly asking, ‘what’s the name of the lake out there?'”

The efforts of the Town Council to deal with (or not) the summer nightmare of parking is a favorite target of the “Squash” team.

Morning Glory Bakery & Catering baker Camille Hoffman conceived of the satirical newspaper last year as she was driving to work in Bar Harbor. Everybody talks about starting an alternative newspaper. Hoffman was going to do it, dammit.

Hoffman, an Oregon transplant, had a gang of talented friends who wanted not for opinions and were looking for a place to sound off. The bakery is independent of the satiric newspaper.

“It just seemed like something we should be doing,” the 29-year-old said. “People think of Bar Harbor and they think tourists, T-shirts, whale-watching and ferry boats. We wanted to show that there was a community here. There were so many talented people here, a newspaper seems like an obvious step.”

Hoffman was undaunted by her complete lack of training in journalism, computers, layout or newspaper economics. In June 2004, she set a deadline (her first) for an August 2004 issue. On her own, she started selling ads.

“Luckily, I knew a lot of business owners from the bakery. Plus the rates are very cheap.”

“Legislation would change MDI to ‘Tourist Peninsular [TP],’ Silver Spoon Neck, or perhaps ‘Cape Rich,'” Winter Squash, 2005.

Summer Squash is printed by The Ellsworth American at no profit. Summer Squash gives away 1,000 free issues from April to November. The cleverly titled “Winter Squash” drops to a printing run of 800 from November to April. Very few if any copies remain at month’s end.

Why “Summer Squash?” Hoffman said, “Summer squash wraps around everything. There is an overload of it during summer, like summer people.”

Police Chief Nate Young, an MDI native, counts himself as a fan of the Squash.

“It makes a few people nervous but it’s great entertainment,” he said. “Sometimes, it is like they put your own thoughts into print. I don’t think people get really offended. If they do, they won’t say.”

They actually offered the police chief a column under a pen name. Young was tempted. “Then I thought I better not,” he said.

“NASA Probe Discovers Water In Remote Region/Scientists Believe Life Once Abundant On MDI,” Winter Squash (naturally), February 2005.

No one but no one gets paid at the newspaper. Hoffman and trusted lieutenant Carrie Cross get an occasional pint at the Lompoc Cafe and an occasional meal on Summer Squash.

The other spotty occasional contributors don’t even get that. They tilt at sacred cows with undisguised glee.

“We don’t get many complaints, surprisingly, despite our [far left] politics,” Hoffman said. “We get a lot of positive feedback. There are no rules, no regulation. We print everything we get.” The only rejections have been for lack of quality, not any political censorship, she said.

“We have a totally free press. We will print anything. We have all sorts of opinion,” Hoffman said. “One of the few complaints we got was from a woman who thought that ‘Summer Squash’ would contain gardening tips. She found the paper to be ‘objectionable.'”

“We are proud of that,” Cross, a North Carolina transplant, said.

Letter to advice columnist Dr. Hooper. “Dear Dr. Hooper, I think I was just bitten by a brown recluse spider. What should I do?” Answer: “Dear Jeff. You should probably die within two hours.”

Compared to traditional newspapers, there are no assignments. The band of writers just sends in their contributions when they feel like it. Somehow the paper gets filled every month, and meets the deadline of the 20th of the preceding month,

None of the contributors is filthy rich, but all are local workers, which contributes to the feeling at the paper.

Question in Cosmo-style personality test: I Lie because:

1. I am insecure and guilt-ridden

2. I am just going with the times.

3. No one must know that my young daughter can start fires with her mind.

Cross says the paper is a labor of love for all concerned. She works at the bakery with Hoffman and joined in to help.

“It is a great vehicle to show off what we have in Bar Harbor. It brings us all together,” 26-year-old Cross said. “Most of the people who read it and write for it are out-of-state transplants. The rest of the island probably doesn’t like it so much,”

“It’s not all humor. It gives the locals information about what is going on,” Cross continued. “They get to keep in touch with each other.”

“Weekly Rentors Storm Town Council/Hostage Situation Narrowly Averted As Councillors Accede To Demands,” Summer Squash, June 2005.

Hoffman says putting out the monthly now is a snap compared to the work for some of the first editions. “We have streamlined the process a lot. Now with Carrie helping we only work on it the last week of the month. It used to be every week of every month,” she said.

“I had some serious help for the first two or three months just learning the computer work,” she said.

Testimonial No. 1: “I use Summer Squash to light my [barbecue] coals. Nothing burns hotter than the sardonic rantings of Camille Hoffman and her pesky liberal cohorts.” – Aaron.

The staff found their energy flagging in August, so they decided to give themselves an award for their one-year anniversary, from the fictitious National Society for Integrity in Journalism, which named the Squash “the best newspaper on the Planet.”

The March edition also had a real crossword puzzle based completed on the classic television show “Three’s Company.”

Testimonial No. 2: “It’s the only paper I use to dry out my boots after a long rainy work day. Why would I use a paper I actually read?” – Sarah.

“The most important thing is that Summer Squash makes us laugh. In these hard times, that is the most important thing,” said Hoffman, editor of “the best newspaper on the Planet.”

To comment, contribute or find out more about Summer Squash and the winter edition, visit www.barharborsquash.com. Emmet Meara can be reached at emmetmeara@msn.com.