Dumping someone with decency can be tricky

Valentine’s Day. A birthday.

Two great reasons to celebrate, right?

Unless, of course, you’ve been dumped on one of those days.

Which I have. On both of them.

Neither day has been forever ruined for me, however, probably because in hindsight neither relationship was going to last anyway. So on my birthday I don’t think about the guy who just never called me back, because in a way I’m glad he didn’t.

Anyway, I recently recalled some of those (at the time) crushing past mishaps when a friend told me about one of his recent experiences.

A few months ago, Alan had been out one night with one of his friends and they met a couple of girls. The men and women paired off. Phone numbers were traded. And Alan wound up with a girl he was kind of interested in.

They went out a few times, and things seemed to be moving somewhere. But then, suddenly, she didn’t return his phone calls.

It got him – and me – thinking. Everyone knows the right way to dump someone – don’t do it over the phone, be honest, be understanding, etc.

I asked some female colleagues whose unimportant newspaper work was interrupted by my critical questions about dumping with decency.

Be firm but sensitive, said one woman. As in, do unto others … you know the rest.

Make a clean break, someone else said. Don’t keep in touch, for a little while, anyway, advised another of my co-workers.

But Alan had a different problem. He lives in the same area as this woman, and they sort of run in the same social circles.

So how does he deal with that? The chances were high that he might bump into this pitiful woman who at the age of 34 still hadn’t figured out how to dump someone with class.

Leave it to the male newspaper colleague I talked with to be a bit more realistic.

As my male co-worker pointed out, the relationship wasn’t that deep. In Alan’s case, a big we-need-to-talk conversation seemed like overkill. It wasn’t as if there was a commitment. No one had met anyone’s parents or that kind of serious stuff.

So what did she owe Alan? Do you lie and make up a story about how busy work is going to be in the next couple months and you don’t have time to date? Or is it better to avoid someone altogether? Or should you go the honesty route – the you’re-just-not-my-type speech – and risk offending someone in your social circle?

Maybe mixing a little white lie with a dash of honesty is the best route here. After a few dates, I think hearing that someone just wants to be friends is a bit easier to swallow than being ignored or offended. Plus, if you have some mutual friends, maybe you really will end up as pals.

Alan seems to be OK with the way things have turned out, especially because he’s seeing someone else now.

But sure enough, he did run into his gutless dumper a few weeks ago. As expected, he was out with some friends and his new girl when he saw her across the room.

He ignored her for a while, but after a while she approached Alan and was sort of overly nice, as if she knew she was in the wrong. But she never apologized. Maybe the dumper-without-decency saw that Alan was with someone and didn’t want to make a big deal in front of the new woman.

I like to think she was too embarrassed to say anything.

To his credit, Alan stood on what another friend and co-worker likes to call the moral high ground. Alan could have been rude, but he chose to be pleasant and brush it off. They’re sure to see each other again, and she’ll always know this – she was wrong. And maybe next time she’ll handle it differently.

Jessica Bloch can be reached at jbloch@bangordailynews.net.