It must be fall. The field mice have made their annual invasion of Cobb Manor. I will tell Blue Eyes that I am using the “Have a Heart” trap while I lay down a blanket of D-Con.

It must be fall. The Christmas ads already have started in the newspaper and on television. I believe I will get an early start, at least with mind gifts for my beloved friends.

If money is no object, mind shopping must be done in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, or HS to its devotees. According to HS, the catalog offers “the best the only and the unexpected for 157 years.”

As a confirmed metrosexual, I am up to a 300-thread-count sheet set on my queen-size bed. Don’t laugh. Once you try high-count sheets, you will sleep on nothing else. There are few luxuries which can compare to a soft sheet. HS is way ahead of me. They offer 500-thread count for a mere $179 with extra pillow cases at $40 a pop.

Just the thing to stain with a pen when I fall asleep doing the Times crossword puzzle, like I did to the last set. I will mind-buy them for Cobb Manor.

Let’s keep shopping.

Don’t you just hate to get up and keep filling that wine glass during parties? HS has you covered. For $24.95 you can get a “seamless, mouth-blown wine glass from Italy” that will hold an entire bottle of wine. A real step saver.

Many of the gang can use that one.

I am the laziest person I know. The Cobb Manor motto is, “Never stand when you can sit. Never sit when you can lie down. Nap at every opportunity.”

HS knows lazy.

They offer a “personal massage therapist chair.” This puppy supplies “a vigorous, invigorating massage completely tailored to the unique contours of your body.” Sounds illegal. This reclining monster has optical sensors (in a chair), vibrating seat and arms, back rollers and an air-powered footrest. It has different “daily wellness programs” in its memory chip. I could spend the entire day getting massages, then sleep in it at night.

Sounds perfect. Only $4,495.95. For a chair. Shipping costs are probably another grand. That could go to those few who approach my laziness level.

Forget Bean’s this year. We will buy our winter parkas at HS.

Let’s add “the world’s most supple lamb nubuck parka” to our mental shopping cart. This masterpiece is “hand-tailored of the creamiest most supple lambskin, softer than chamois.” The zip-off hood is trimmed with coyote fur. Lamb skin and coyote fur? I can hear Blue Eyes now. A mere $1,499.95. For a parka.

Wait until I spill raspberry jelly on this one.

HS also sells a goat suede shirt for a mere $429. For a shirt. I might get two.

I only have about 50 flashlights. I have them in every nook and cranny, whatever a cranny is. I even have a 10 million candlepower light that will illuminate distant planets. But I don’t have “the aviator’s xenon flashlight used by professional pilots for exterior preflight inspections and in-flight cockpit illumination.” I only have the “agent” flashlight used by U.S. marshals, FBI agents and all the detectives on television. Now I have to get this one for my next pre-flight inspection. A mere $184.95. For a flashlight.

On the cover of the HS catalog is a “genuine 7-foot Robby the Robot.” This wonder is a copy of the robot from “Forbidden Planet.” It will deliver the lines from the show, rotate his head, spin his planetary gyro stabilizers, and rotate his scanners. Robby is signed by artist and creator Fred Barton.

You better like “Forbidden Planet,” because Robby will set you back $49,999.95. Honest to God. For a robot.

Cobb Manor only cost $38 grand.

That’s enough. Shopping always tires me out. Plus, I have to go slay my mice population.

Have a nice holiday.

Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.