Show inspires longing to be Chinese acrobat

Tuesday night, while watching “Chi: A New Era in Acrobatics” at the Maine Center for the Arts in Orono, I realized two things. One, it was very similar to last year’s show by the National Acrobats of Taiwan – although I liked the chair-stacking act better without a wire. And two, if I could choose any profession in the world, I would be a Chinese acrobat.

Who cares that I’m Irish? And Danish? And that I can’t touch my toes?

See, if I were a Chinese acrobat, I could touch my toes. With my nose. And if I had an itch in that unscratchable spot on my back, I could reach it. With my knee.

Better still, I wouldn’t have to worry about cramming all my friends into my little Nissan on girls’ night out. I’d simply have my husband take us to Woodman’s on his bicycle. Me and eight of my pals would hop on his back in a pyramid that would make the Laker Girls look like amateurs.

I could also pose as a firefighter, if I wanted to. I’d slide down the pole – upside down, to show off a little. But if I left something important in the firehouse, like the Dalmatian, I could also climb back up the pole. Without using my hands. And wearing a red Elvis suit.

As great as it would be for my career, being a Chinese acrobat would really come in handy at home. I wouldn’t have to do the dishes. I could just twirl them around on long sticks – like flowers – while dressed in a costume that looked like a jack-in-the-pulpit. No one would even notice the pile of pots and pans in the sink.

And I wouldn’t have to worry about breaking the paper-thin wineglasses we got as a wedding present, either. I’d just stack six or seven of ’em up on a tray, perch the tray on a thin metal rod – which I’m holding in my teeth – and fly through the air on a trapeze. Upside down, of course.

Yoga class would be a breeze. I’d never topple over doing a headstand again. In fact, I’d be so agile, so focused, that a really buff guy could do a headstand and I’d balance him on my head. Then I’d stand up and he’d barely sway a bit.

If only I were a Chinese acrobat. I could do anything. And I’d make it look easy.