Coming of age: the challenge of rethinking

It is my privilege and challenge this year to accompany the Unitarian Universalist Society of Bangor’s youth through their Coming of Age program.

Each week I get to watch while they learn to respect one another, create the safety to share, make mistakes, get it right, and often just play like puppies.

I listen to their sharing of achievements, fears, hurts and joys as they grow out of dependent irresponsible behaviors into independent, responsible choices.

Coming of Age is all about rethinking what they think they know, checking and re-checking, questioning their understanding of the world and what is true. As they mature, their thoughts becomes less black and white and entertain in more shades of gray.

We are all coming of age, learning to live in a world that challenges us to live with uncertainty, fear and change. People are being called to mature politically, socially and spiritually, to learn how to relate responsibly to changing bodies, minds, spirits, one another and this Earth.

Seventh-generation Mainer, African-American scholar or Middle East immigrant, we each construct a unique understanding of reality out of family history, the values of our culture, and our experiences of pain, pleasure, frustration and success. We construct a reality that helps us cope with discomfort and establishes safety.

We always have the choice to shift our constructions. We decide, consciously or not, to see the cup half empty or half full. Which perspective we choose makes all the difference.

Developing the skill to shift perspective has immense potential for individuals, organizations, governments and society. We can choose to take responsibility for new opportunities of understanding. Somewhere in between what I believe is right and you believe is right, there is the possibility of a new truth. We can choose to talk with one another, be in relationship, and together discover that truth.

David Coooperrider, a professor at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, says:

“All we have to do, literally, is get in the same room with one another. … We continue to learn how powerful it is to break down all the barriers and bring people together to search for the true, the good, the better and the possible.

“Yes, it takes courage … but in reality the risk is low. Why? Because somehow the best in human beings comes out when the ‘whole system’ is in the room, when people take the time to hear and see the best in one another, and when the stories of innovation are ‘mined’ at a deeper level of systematic and rigorous inquiry into the good. Inquiry itself is what matters – this is what leads to change.”

Emotional outbursts and reactivity are the ways of youth. The less mature spirit seeks comfort from fear and uncertainty by trying to establish certainty with rigidity, blame and judgments. As we come of age spiritually, courage strengthens, flexibility increases and the tension of uncertainty is born with compassion, tolerance and equanimity.

Mature souls speak softly, listen with appreciation and hold judgments of others. In coming of age one hones the integrity to speak the truth with love. A wise old soul holds less tightly to a truth – and considers, “I could be wrong.”

On Nov. 8, the citizens of Maine came of age.

We confirmed the depth of our growth, socially and spiritually, by affirming the rights of all Maine’s citizens to equal civil rights. Well done, Maine. I am so grateful for all the individuals, congregations and community agencies that worked tirelessly to change the way this state’s reality has been constructed.

Thank you to the many tenacious, gracious and committed people who believe in equal rights for all Maine citizens, regardless of who they love.

The world needs us to keep coming of age, constantly expanding the volume of change and uncertainty we can take into our being. Shrinking little, souls will not survive the challenges we face – and they will take the Earth and her people down with them.

We need to grow our souls by growing the range and depth of our love, and our ability to change our minds. It is imperative that we adopt effective ways of talking, discovering and collaborating with those who differ vastly from ourselves, relating to each other responsibly, growing our souls.

Only in relationship, dialoguing with those who differ, can we develop the individual and communal strength to sustain more and more uncertainty, tension and chaos without feeling defensive, judgmental, insecure or violent. This is my prayer for us all, from Dauna Markova:

May we learn to open in Love

So all the doors and windows of our bodies swing wide on their hinges.

May we learn to give ourselves with both hands

To lift each other on our shoulders

To carry one another along.

May holiness move in us.

The Rev. Elaine Beth Peresluha is minister of the Unitarian Universalist Society of Bangor. She may be reached via bdnreligion@bangordailynews.net. Voices is a weekly commentary by Maine people who explore issues affecting spirituality and religious life.