Reader urges hope as well as skepticism

Editor’s Note: Last week in this space, “Hope from Maine” wrote that her former husband’s incarceration on drug-related charges allowed him to take the first step toward recovery from addiction. Today, a reader responds to that column.

Your letter could have been written by me, just a few years back. It has been a long time since my heart has been wrenched so deeply by an addiction, as it was as I read your story.

For a moment I was back in time with my boys – visiting, writing and doing everything I could do to support and encourage my husband to stop using drugs. I had been to counseling, rehab, meetings and all the other things that were recommended.

He tried the methadone clinic, which turned out exactly as it did for your husband. When he finally went to prison and I was left to deal with life on my own with our children, I felt hopeful. He began reading the Bible, attending church, going to counseling, taking classes and anything else he could to better himself. I took care of myself and our boys, getting stronger and looking forward to the day he would come home and we could rebuild our lives.

Prison is so different from the real world. After he was released, it took only four months for him to bump into the wrong person and for life to begin its downward spiral. I was a strong woman with an incredible support system. I have always been close to my family, I attended church on a regular basis and was very close to many people there, and I had a handful of very close friends. In spite of my personal strength and support system, my health began to fail. I started having nightmares and panic attacks. My doctor put me on medication and I began counseling alone. Nothing helped. I sank deeper into despair and even considered suicide.

My heart wasn’t broken – it was shattered. I was always loving, supportive and encouraging, but never accepting of what he did. I didn’t enable him. I had told him the day he got released that if he violated his probation and went back to prison, I would file for divorce. It was never my plan to be divorced; I believe that marriage is for life. It tore me to pieces, but he had made his choice – and did go back to prison – so I had to stay true to my word.

The first year was hell. I cried and prayed and tried to put my life together. I moved out of state to distance myself from everyone and everything. In the clear desert sun, I found the inner peace and strength to return to Maine. I got a good job and made a home for my boys.

He kept in touch with me and the boys. As I read his letters, they seemed so familiar. I had saved the old ones from his first incarceration, so I dug them out. Sure enough, I had heard it all before.

He spent four more years behind bars – he wrote and called and cried over all he had lost and missed. Still, it only took three weeks of being on the outside before his life went out of control again. He is now back in prison for a very long sentence. His children won’t see him until they are adults. I thank God for this. They will be spared so much, even though they suffer the loss of their dad.

I dated some, but had absolutely no trust in men. Then one day I made a list of exactly what I wanted in a man and in a relationship. I set very clear boundaries for what I could live with and what I absolutely would not tolerate. Two years ago I met the most wonderful man who fulfills everything on my list. I have never felt more loved or happy in my life. Our children get along wonderfully. I finally have what I had been missing for so long.

Hope, my message to you is this. Stay true to yourself. Draw some lines and don’t let anyone cross them. Find your personal niche in life and live it. An addict can absorb so much of you that you lose sight of who you are as an individual.

Don’t bank your life on his prison promises; make him prove himself to you. When you see that he truly is a changed person then you have a chance. Until then, it is just words. Words don’t mean anything if they are not backed by actions.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you continue your own journey. I pray that this is your husband’s rock bottom and that he finds what he needs to overcome his addiction. I pray that you find the strength and courage to do whatever it is you need to do for yourself and your children so you can have a healthy, happy life.

– Been there, done that in Maine

Finding a Fix runs every Thursday in this space, presenting a variety of perspectives on the growing problem of substance abuse and addiction in Maine. In addition to submissions by professionals working in the field, we encourage readers to share their personal stories here, where they may provide information, comfort and support to others. Send submissions or comments about “Finding a Fix” by e-mail to findingafix@bangordailynews.net., by mail to Finding A Fix, c/o Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor ME, 04402 or by phone to (207) 990-8111.