Young mother trying to change County woman wants to repair relationships

I am currently incarcerated at the Aroostook County Jail. I am being held on the charge of possession of scheduled drugs, a Class C felony.

At the age of 13, I began smoking marijuana and drinking occasionally. I was hanging around with older people, mostly men, and putting myself in situations that no young teen should be in.

At 15, I got pregnant with my first daughter and stopped my drug use completely. Soon after she was born, though, I started using opiates. It wasn’t long before I was hooked. I started to forget what was really important in my life.

As my addiction progressed and my tolerance got higher, I started stealing from people – cash, checks, electronics – and doing whatever it took to get my fix.

My second daughter was born shortly after I turned 18. At this time in my life, nothing much mattered to me besides getting high. I was sick, not eating and not getting proper sleep. I looked like I was ready to die, and I felt like it, too.

Although during this time my kids were clothed, fed, and had a roof over their heads, I was not giving them the love, attention, and guidance that every child needs.

In 2003, I lost a close friend to suicide due to his drug addiction. Most people would look at this as an eye-opener, but for me, it was an excuse to use more drugs. I started using needles and stopped caring about everything except my drugs. I had lost control and lost myself.

DHS got involved in my life and my children went into state custody. Luckily, they were placed with my mother, for whom I am so thankful. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where my kids or I would be right now. The loss of my children, being evicted from my apartment, and losing the trust of my loved ones – it was all just another excuse for me to use more. I figured I had nothing left – why clean up?

Since then I have been in jail nine times and have made several attempts at completing inpatient rehabilitation. In 2004, I spent 31/2 months in rehab and got kicked out for using drugs. Three days later, I was arrested again for theft and forgery and spent six months locked up. I was released in November and thought I was ready to face the world. I went home to my kids, but nothing about my life had changed. I had no job, no place of my own, and the same friends. After a month or so, I was right back where I had been a year earlier, sticking a needle in my arm.

In February 2005 I hooked up with an old friend and we became very close, but we were using heavily together. At this point, my drug use was worse than ever. I lost 30 pounds in the course of about a month, I was drifting away from my children again and I didn’t even see it happening.

In April my boyfriend and I both were arrested for possession of heroin. He was released to a drug monitoring program in June and shortly after died of an overdose. I spent the month of September in a 28-day rehab, which I completed, but had to return directly to jail afterwards. I am now waiting to be sentenced in December.

I am 21 years old now. Out of the last two years, I have spent a year in and out of jail. I’ve missed birthdays and holidays and have watched so many people die because of drug addiction. I can fit everything I own in two suitcases. I can honestly say that this is not where I thought I’d be at 21.

I had forgotten what I set out to do, what life was really about, and most importantly, who I was. I don’t want my kids growing up to hear that their mom is a junkie, a thief and a bad mother. I want them to be proud of me and look up to me.

It kills me to think of how I have hurt the people I love, but I have to keep telling myself it will only get better from here. I have a chance that some people will never again have and I plan on taking full advantage of it.

For so long I was worried about what people would think of me if I actually told the truth about my addiction, but the only thing that matters to me now is a good, healthy relationship with myself, my kids, and my family and friends. This is my chance to make that happen.

I may have another high in me, but I’m not so sure I have another recovery.

Please join our weekly conversation about Maine’s substance abuse problem. Mail your comments or questions to Finding a Fix, Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04401. Comments also may be phoned to the column response line, (207) 990-8111 or emailed to findingafix@bangordailynews.net. You may choose to remain anonymous or to have your name used. If you need help getting your thoughts down on paper, column editor Meg Haskell will be happy to work with you. Call Meg at (207) 990-8291 or toll-free at (800)432-7964, or email her at mhaskell@bangordailynews.net.