Relentless bitterness makes ‘Stone’ sink like one

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In theaters

THE FAMILY STONE, written and directed by Thomas Bezucha, 102 minutes, rated PG-13.

Go ahead – throw the first stone. Throw it right at the screen. Take aim, wind up and let the rocks rip.

“The Family Stone” deserves it. In this unrelentingly fake, cloying new dramedy, not one character is likable, particularly Sarah Jessica Parker’s Meredith, who is so rigid and controlling, so self-involved and self-centered, that she bullies the screen with a cloud of pinched gloom that sinks an already shaky production.

Her Meredith is a shrew of the first order, a main character for whom it’s impossible to root. The rest of the cast doesn’t help, which is a surprise since many of the actors, including Diane Keaton, Claire Danes and Rachel McAdams, are top-notch.

Thing is, in the hands of writer-director Thomas Bezucha, all of them are undone by the story, which involves Parker’s Meredith joining her boyfriend, Everett (Dermot Mulroney), for the holidays with his rampantly dysfunctional family.

What Meredith finds in their upper-class New England abode is that the Stones in question exist to exclude, which they do with a joyless mean streak that’s isolating.

Without most of them ever having seen her, they decide on the spot that they don’t like her, they certainly don’t want her to marry Everett (“She’s wrong for him! Waahh!”), and so they make her pay for his affection and his invitation to their home with cruel, cutting asides meant to sting her, which they do. Trouble is, Meredith is such a miserable, unlikable sot, you don’t care if she’s stung. In fact, you want her to be stung until she’s immune. And how’s that for your cup of holiday good cheer?

As the story unfolds, bitterness is an undercurrent that shakes the movie off course, breeding contempt while romantic quadrangles fester along the fringes and the familial infighting gives way to an unfortunate revelation that’s meant to bring everyone together. You know, as only one tired cinematic device can.

Incredibly, this movie is being put up for awards consideration, but why? Is 20th Century Fox blind to what they have on their hands with these Stones, this Meredith, their movie? Are we meant to be moved by the obvious machinations? The cheap twists meant to wring our hearts? Please.

When Meredith screams to her sister early in the film that “they all hate me!” you want to answer back, “Cookie, what’s your point? You make Saddam look like a honey pot – and so do they. Really, all of you monsters should be perfect for each other.”

But they’re not perfect, and neither is this film.

Grade: D

On video and DVD

INTO THE BLUE, directed by John Stockwell, written by Matt Johnson, 110 minutes, rated PG-13.

“You wanna keep trickin’? Or you wanna start pimpin’?”

These words, spoken with unapologetic verve by the young actress Ashley Scott in “Into the Blue,” get to the vibe of the picture, which uses a wealth of pseudohip street slang to help it connect, in theory, with its intended audience of teens and twentysomethings.

Thing is, whenever Scott and the other actors start talking trash in an effort to keep it real, some might be unable to get through it without a snort and a giggle.

The film, a buried-treasure adventure thriller from director John Stockwell, is essentially soft-core porn for the PG-13 set. Set in the Bahamas, the film stars Paul Walker as Jared Cole, a down-on-his-luck diving instructor seeking bigger things and a brighter future in a better tomorrow with his girlfriend, Sam (Jessica Alba), who works at a local aquarium handling sharks when she’s not in Jared’s bed.

Together, Jared and Sam are perfect for each other. Neither especially likes clothing, both are totally, like, way into tanning, and they are in love with each other almost to the point of distraction. This helps to serve the plot, which thickens with the arrival of Jared’s buddy, Bryce (Scott Caan), a buff lawyer from New York whose trouble-causing trick, Amanda (Scott), looks like heroin chic shot through gauze.

When Bryce and Amanda get the bright idea to smuggle drugs off the sunken plane they find while snorkeling, temptation strikes, love stretches to the breaking point, and good and evil are forced to duke it out in the deep.

Speaking of the deep, “Into the Blue” will remind some of the 1977 thriller “The Deep” – and for good reason. The film’s executive producer is Peter Guber, who produced “The Deep,” which found Jacqueline Bisset, then in her prime, in a story of sunken treasure, deadly eels, and little clinking bottles of drugs busily being vacuumed aboard a bum ship. The movie capitalized on the success of “Jaws,” which came just two years before it, but it worked because real tension was generated within the murk.

It’s the murk that makes these two movies so different. What “The Deep” understood is that the less you see, the more you fear. It’s the idea of what’s there in the not there that keeps you on edge.

“Into the Blue” takes another approach – it assumes that we have no imagination, so it shows us everything. Here, the water is so clear, there’s never any question where the sharks are roaming. They’re all around the beautiful actors, all around the beautiful fish, doing their menacing ballet while corruption and stupidity bloom around them. When they do lash out to take a bite out of crime – as you know they will – there’s no shock involved.

Instead, it’s just blood and gore in another underwhelming movie.

Grade: C-

Visit www.weekinrewind.com, the archive of Bangor Daily News film critic Christopher Smith’s reviews, which appear Mondays in Discovering, Fridays in Happening, and Weekends in Television. He may be reached at Christopher@weekinrewind.com.

The Video-DVD Corner

Renting a video or a DVD? Bangor Daily News film critic Christopher Smith can help. Below are his grades of recent releases in video stores. Those in bold print are new to video stores this week.

Batman Begins – A

Bride and Prejudice – B

The Brothers Grimm – D-

The Cave – C-

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – A-

Cinderella Man – A

Cypher – C+

The Devil’s Rejects – B

Dukes of Hazzard – D

Dukes of Hazzard – Complete Fifth Season – C

Empire Falls – C-

The Exorcism of Emily Rose – C+

The 40-Year-Old Virgin – A

The Gilmore Girls: Complete Fifth Season – B+

Guess Who – C+

Gus Van Sant’s Last Days – B-

Happy Endings – C+

Harold Lloyd Comedy Collection – A+

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – B-

Hostage – C-

The Interpreter – B+

Into the Blue – C-

The Island – C+

Kicking and Screaming – C

Kingdom of Heaven – B-

Kung Fu Hustle – A

Madagascar – D

March of the Penguins – A

Melinda and Melinda – B

Millions – A-

Monster-in-Law – B-

Mr. & Mrs. Smith – B

Must Love Dogs – C+

Polar Express – C-

Robots – C-

Sahara – C-

Serenity – A-

The Skeleton Key – B

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith – B+

Undiscovered – D-

Unleashed – C-

The Upside of Anger – B

Valiant – C-

War of the Worlds -B+

The Wedding Crashers: Uncorked – B-

The Wedding Date – B