A mother’s questions

I am having a very big problem with my 17-year-old daughter. She goes from smoking pot to drinking, and I assume she uses other drugs as well. She is skipping school. We have no control over her and feel very helpless. She will not go to counseling; we have tried that. Do we have any recourse to get her help if she doesn’t see she has a problem? How can we find a decent counselor? Are there any support groups for parents like me?

– Kay

Dear Kay,

You bring up some important points. The first is the impact on the entire family when there is one member struggling with substance abuse. Another problem you identify is how to get a young person into treatment when he or she is not willing to participate.

Regardless of the age of the user, substance abuse affects the entire family system. Getting your own help and support is crucial to your ability to help your daughter.

Pretty much by definition, parents want the best for their children and desperately want them to be safe. Parenting adolescents and teens is even more difficult because it is in their nature to break away from parental control in their pursuit of independence. Their friends become their “authority” and parents are seen as outsiders. The more parents attempt to gain control, the more teens push them away. In normal situations this is a healthy impulse, though parents must work overtime to provide the loving supervision their headstrong youngsters very much still need. But when teens are abusing drugs or alcohol, or otherwise putting themselves in harm’s way, this drive for independence can be life-threatening.

You may have little control over your daughter, but you do have control over what you can do to help yourself. Yes, there are support groups out there that can help you. Some groups provide support over the phone.You may also consider getting some professional counseling to gain insight into your relationship with your daughter and how this problem may be affecting others in your family. I have listed some resources below to assist you in finding the help you need.

Getting your daughter involved in treatment is very difficult if she is not willing to go. Either she does not feel she has a problem or else she is not motivated to change her behaviors. Either way, you need to convey to her what she stands to gain by engaging in treatment and what she may lose if she does not. You should continue to talk with her about your concerns and your desire for her to get help. Open communication between teens and parents is the beginning to any solution.

You will have a greater chance of getting her into treatment if she is the one to make the decision. If she goes to counseling against her will, she is unlikely to gain anything from it and it will be time lost for everyone. You may also suggest going to counseling together – though this will depend on the type of relationship you have with her.

You should find a counselor with experience and skill in treating adolescent substance abuse. The traditional approach to substance abuse is not as effective for adolescents as it may be for adults. You should ask people you trust – i.e. school officials, your doctor, etc. – for recommendations and meet with various counselors if you can. If it is not a good fit, you will know soon enough.

I applaud your efforts to help your daughter now rather than waiting until the problem gets worse. Too often parents overlook, minimize or are afraid to address the issue of substance abuse with their children. The notion that it is “just pot” and that the drug use will not get worse, or that it will go away, is false. Pot is a gateway drug. Most of the youth I work with started by using “just pot” and are now addicted to heavier drugs. Their drug use has also led them to school failure, trouble with the law, and family problems. Your daughter’s school truancy could be a red flag that her drug use is becoming more of a problem. The sooner your daughter is able to get help, the better her outcome will be.

– John Jaksa, LCSW

John Jaksa is the executive and clinical director of Project Atrium in Bangor, which provides both residential and community-based treatment and support for teens addicted to drugs and alcohol. Please join our weekly conversation about Maine’s substance abuse problem. We welcome comments or questions from all perspectives. Letters may be mailed to Bangor Daily News, P.O. Box 1329, Bangor 04401. Send e-mail contributions to findingafix@bangordailynews.net. Column editor Meg Haskell may be reached at (207) 990-8291 or

mhaskell@bangordailynews.net.

Contact information:

. Maine Office of Substance Abuse – This is a statewide resource for finding help. Call toll-free (800) 499-0027 or visit www.maine.gov/dhhs/osa and click on “Find Help” in the left-hand column.

. Nar-Anon – Provides support for family members affected by a loved one’s drug abuse. Most groups welcome those affected by alcohol abuse as well. Call toll-free (800) 477-6291 or visit www.nar-anon.org.

. Al-Anon – Provides support for family members affected by alcohol abuse. Most groups welcome those affected by drug abuse as well. Call toll-free (800) 498-1844 or visit www.maineafg.org.

. Teen Recovery – This Bangor-based group is for teens interested in stopping their use of drugs or alcohol. It is not a 12-step program. For information, call 941-2825.